Merry Dickens

Last night my human told me a story about a door-nail named Marlowe or Marley or something like that. For some reason she insisted that this door-nail was dead. Only a moment later said door-nail turned into a ghost. Yeah, whatever.

Also, it was called a Carol for some reason. Thankfully my human did not try to sing the whole story to me.

Anyway, this guy, Scrooge, who definitely was one of the more sensible humans, had a bit of a problem with ghosts. But instead of calling a wizard or warlock to get rid of them he just whined and complained. Typical.

The ghosts on the other hand seemed to be quite confused themselves. Instead of turning this guy into a whimpering heap of madness once and for all they brought him safely back home! Every. Single. Time.

In the end it was all merriment and pleasantness. There was some partying and feasting, alright, but come on! Where was the chaos and mayhem? All the fun they could have had! The only thing that sounded truly promising in the end was the bowl of smoking bishop. Looking very much forward to hearing more about that.

Christmas? Vampires? I’m confused.

Humans are stupid. It borders on a miracle that this species made it so far. That, or there are no real vampires in this world. But then why do humans believe in their existence? I had a somewhat irritating discussion (whenever I use the word ‘discussion’ consider it a battle of yelling) with she-human about the matter. We seemed to agree and not agree at the same time which is definitely too much to grasp for my poor little brain.

She has the odd habit of playing games where she pretends to be someone else but it is not the same as the humans in the theaters do (or so she says). It is called ‘role playing game’. In one of those games she pretended to be a vampire. She agreed with me that those are nasty buggers but also insisted that they do NOT exist in real life. I know for sure that they do, but maybe not in this world. The question remains how do humans know about vampires at all if they never existed around here? And how come they have such a wrong picture of those creatures? Trust me, they do NOT glitter. Ever. Except maybe if they fell into a decorated christmas tree. Which is not very likely. I might be able to imagine a situation where that could happen but not to such an amount that it caused reason to believe it made the whole species permanently glitter. You get my meaning. The thing is: if I understand that, how come humans don’t? Only possible answer: humans are stupid (see above) and – all together now – orcs are superiour.

Also there is the fact that in my world vampires are by no means ridiculous or sexy. They are evil in the worst sense of the word, meaning that they’re not even fun to have as an adversary. Blood, blood, blood, is all that matters. Horrid addicts with no sense of humour whatsoever. They put up a good fight and to be honest, in a battle one on one, I would not put my money on the orc (not that I would ever put any money literally ON anyone). Only very few creatures could stand up to a vampire and live to tell the tale. Good thing they usually hunt alone. Orcs never do. It’s the genius of the masses that wins the day. Yes, you heard me right, orcs do in fact have swarm intelligence. How else do you think could our species ever survive? We overrun the enemy if they’re stupid enough not to escape immediately.

While I was still ‘discussing’ the matter she-human went pale and smacked herself in the face. Rather charming I have to confess, although I prefer to do the smacking myself. So I inquired the reason for such odd behaviour. She explained that in those role playing games she not only pretended to be a vampire but also a dwarf (which I found disgusting) and an orc! I had to sit down right then. It was a very special moment for both of us (I see her becoming Mrs. Thrakbog No. 5 – at least I think it’s No. 5.) But her reason for going pale was rather less pleasurable. She played an orc and woops- here I am, a creature she never assumed would exist. What if the vampires then…? You get it. Hehe. So if I got through a portal into this world why not a vampire? And then my idea of a christmas tree-glittery vampire will become reality. I am a prophet. Very much into the christmas spirit, ain’t I?

Of diamonds and poo

Still no change in the weather. She-human promised that there will be snow sooner or later. I really hope she is aware of my ignorance when it comes to delayed gratification. I want snow. Now. I don’t think I’ve ever been so depressed by rain before. Even going out for a gluehwein or a rabbit hunt isn’t fun in this weather. So in order to keep my mind engaged (and off the contents of the fridge) she-human reads me stories. I cannot bring myself to do the reading. Still burping up irregular verbs now and then.

So I hear stories about poor kids, freezing in the cold streets of London. It’s madey-uppy, obviously. The weather was great while I was in London. I assume she-human is trying to get rid of me by telling me about far away places with lots of snow. So maybe even this Yeti thingy is not true. I’m gonna stay here. It’s a warm and dry place which is all I want right now.
In one of the stories she read to me some human fed a diamond to a goose in order to hide the gem. Then he got into trouble when someone else bought and ate said goose. What bugged me was the fact that this someone found the gem when slicing the bird. Surely in an orcish version he would have found it a few hours later, if at all, in his poo. Slicing a bird in order to eat it. How sissy is that? On the other hand, that guy who found out all about the matter was really smart. Made me wonder why someone so brainy would spend his time with such trivial matters instead of being an evil overlord. Perhaps I should find him and make him take on my case of the lost orc.

She-human just informed me that this Sherlock guy never existed. See? That is the problem with you humans. Excuses, excuses, excuses. So I’m gonna try it myself, this deduction thingy. Call me Thrakbog Holmes.