The matter of redemption

Going out is always fun. I had a very entertaining encounter with a local cleric, a guy somewhat in the same business as Mr. Collins.
So I went to a temple here in the city, people refer to it as a church. There I was observed with some unease which I enjoyed immensely. Then the cleric asked me rather politely to leave or explain my appearance. I had no idea what he was talking about but asked instead if he knew anything about a magic portal. He didn’t. I had a proper look around and found images, paintings and sculptures of an almost naked human nailed to a cross. Had I known before I would have come much sooner! So I asked the cleric about this guy. And here’s what happened next (and I’m rather proud that I can remember it almost word for word):

“That’s our saviour Jesus, of course”, the cleric said. By the way, it was pretty obvious that the clergyman could not wield any form of magic. Clerics in this world are truly powerless, believe me.
Anyway, this saviour-guy. I wanted to know what happened to him and was told his story. That he died, was killed in fact, in order to save me. Of course I didn’t believe that and got a bit angry with the man.
“No”, he insisted, “I’m telling you, he died for you.” He appeared to be quite fearless of me, I have to give him that.
“Why would he do that?”, I asked incredulously. “That would have been rather stupid of him, right? If he sacrificed himself for me, I’d like to know why. I didn’t even know him!”
“Well, he did not do it exclusively for you.”
“Ha! I knew it! So what’s all the fuss about?”
“He gave his life for all of us. So that we are cleansed of our sins and our souls shall be redeemed.”
My blood started boiling, I was getting very angry and I told the clergyman so in no uncertain terms.
“Now listen, you Collins: no orc with some self-respect would ever allow someone else to seek forgiveness for his own sins. Why would cross-guy do that?”
“So that you are forgiven.”
I had to restrain myself by then and counted to ten (more or less). Slightly more calm, I answered him. “Why should I be interested in that? What’s in it for me, being redeemed? Will my wives have fewer offspring?” I would have put up with a lot to gain that effect to be honest.
That obviously confused the man for a moment.
“No, my dear. Your soul will be saved when you find forgiveness.” He sounded rather patroniszing by then and had completely lost me. But, being a terrifying orc, I could not leave without making my point as well.
“So, correct me, if I’m wrong. Somewhere in this world is a man who had himself be slaughtered so that I may appear to be a nice guy?”
“More or less, yes. Perhaps in a more metaphysical…”
“Is he completely out of his mind? How shall I explain that to my family? Do you have any idea what my tribe usually does to “nice guys”? I would not wish that for my worst enemies. So, you go and tell this guy that I don’t want him to do that. I mean, you can, right? You said, he returned after the slaughter so he is still around, correct? Cool move, by the way. Tell him, I like my sins. They were hard work. How could I ever face my comrades again if they heard about a human taking away my sins? And where did he take them anyway?” By then I was truly terrified that I didn’t even look evil anymore.
“Your sins have been washed off.”
“I knew it! This bloody human habit of bathing! I shouldn’t have trusted that she-human.”
“So, you’d rather remain a sinner?”
“Of course, man. So, for me, that guy needs not to run about with that cross on his back.”
“I’m afraid it’s too late for that. It already happened. About two thousand years ago.”
A terrible headache was imminent. For both of us. But for very different reasons.
“So all my atrocities have been in vain?”
“I’m afraid so. You should celebrate and rejoice.”
I put my arm around his shoulder then which finally seeemd to scare him a bit and pushed him out of the church. We moved towards St. James’ Park.
“All right. Now listen. We go for a walk and you tell me a bit more about the nails and the cross. And then we gonna try that on you. And afterwards I’m gonna celebrate and rejoice. How does that sound to you?”
“But my dear son, you must not sin against the commandments of our Lord.”
I almost had a heart attack. I’m not the youngest anymore, you know.
“Son? Our lord? Are you completely mad? I mean, look at us! I am a pure-blooded orc. How could you possibly be my father? Honestly, I don’t understand you humans. You have absolutely no sense of survival. You know what? I pity you. And I’ll spare you. For now. Go back to your cross-guy and pray that you’ll never have to face another creature from my world. You’ll find them less… forgiving.”

And so I left him. I cannot say that I have completely recovered from the utter shock he gave me with this whole business of redemption. But when I look around me I see all these humans sinning constantly and with great pleasure. So I came to the conclusion that the clergyman was simply delusional. A true Collins.
I might go back though. She-human has a hammer and some nails. Hehe.

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I ate it

“WTF, Thrakbog?”, you might say. And yes, you’re absolutely right. Those were my exact words too. I finally ate the bloody book. I couldn’t bear it any longer. Idiot Darcy telling Lizzy that he loved her. And proposing to her. I mean, seriously? The man was clearly delusional. Trust me, he was. I know an awful lot about halluzinating, given that I frequently drink the stuff the brewer concocts. And I guarantee you, Prick Darcy has completely lost his marbles. All of them. The ones in his head and those a bit further down, which I heard described as the family jewels. The man has got no balls!
No longer able to call him Prick Darcy, I ended his and my own misery and ate the bloody book.
Will go out for a catsnack and be a proper orc again. I really should have known. Orcs don’t read books.
Although I have to admit that Lady Catherine de Bourgh had some potential for becoming a truly evil overlord. Uhm, overlady. Oh, well. Never mind.
I feel some wanderlust growing inside me. At least I hope it is wanderlust. Otherwise I’d have to reconsider eating books in the future. I normally digest rusty nails and monster-steaks but the written word could prove inedible and hard to swallow.
So wanderlust it is. Where shall I go? Will do some research to find out where I might find a magic portal. But first: cat. Or dog. I’m not picky.

read-along part 8

I’m on fire! I went through 7 chapters in the last couple of days. It is also a bit worrying as I normally have an incredibly short attention span but I seem to have found something to enjoy as I get older. The fact that I can get older as an orc is something of a miracle in itself. Under normal circumstances (living amongst my fellow orcs), I would be smacked on the head with a morningstar in the near future. An orc over the age of thirty is a rare sight to be seen. Perhaps living apart from my tribe is not the worst that ever happened to me. Well, I know for certain that worse things already happened and I might feel inclined to tell you about some of that in the days or weeks to come. But for now let’s see what Ms. Austen had in store for us.

Chapter 22
Holy shit, Charlotte!

Is it clever? Is it incredibly stupid? Let’s see: she is far more clever than Mr. Collins, so she will probably be able to manipulate him to do whatever she wants. Good choise then. On the other hand he is dull and tiresome. Won’t she hate him for it soon enough? Perhaps she has already a solution in mind. A fake accident or monster attack. Who’d care if in a couple of weeks there were a note of his demise? On second thoughts I wonder if any of my wives had similar ideas when I took them home. Perhaps I should watch my back if I ever go home…

Chapter 23
I don’t think that Mrs. Bennet and Lizzy will ever get on with each other. From a mother’s point of view I can perfectly understand…, hang on, I mean… Not that I ever… Let’s say, from a parent’s point of view I can understand her anger. There she was, totally convinced that she would get rid of at least one of her daughters and then what?
Nothing.
Again.
I wonder how they feed all the girls. It’s never mentioned that they go hunting, looting or pillaging.

Chapter 24
I’m beginning to question Lizzy’s power of judgement. She certainly was blinded by that Wickham guy and now she blames Caroline for keeping Bingley away from Jane. It is pretty obvious that it is all Prick Darcy’s doing as he wants to keep his friend for himself. But of course it is a heavy blow to Mrs. Bennet’s efforts to be rid of her.

Chapter 25
I’m getting a bit tired of all the discussions about the girls not marrying. Would be nice for a change to get some action. So Jane is taken away to a big city. That sounds promising. As far as I know that means danger. Nice 🙂
Big city means thieves guilds, monsters in the sewer system, intrigues, wizards. Looking forward to that.

Chapter 26
Hm, Jane’s first report from the big city says nothing about monsters. Not even a single thief. Perhaps it was raining most of the time so she couldn’t leave the house. Silly human rule.

Chapter 27
Now Lizzy goes on a journey as well. Travelling by coach. If I know anything for sure that must mean only one thing: an ambush. (I’ve been there many times, always a joy). Come on, Ms. Austen! A simple ambush, you can do it! I mean, if I can do it so can anyone else. Just throw some tree trunks in the way, eat the horses, steal the girls, there you go.

Chapter 28
What is wrong with you, Austen? Not even an accident?
And to top it all, Mr. Collins pops up again.

read-along part 7

Chapter 18
Another ball. Soldiers dancing in fancy dress. Guys, you’re very lucky that there are apparently no orcs anywhere nearby. Wouldn’t survive one little skirmish.
And Wickham turns out to be not only a sissy but also a coward. No surprise there. You can say about Prick Darcy whatever you like but he certainly does not shy away from a confrontation. And he’s obviously a masochist, asking Lizzy to dance with him. I cannot shake off the impression that there was a lot more going on while they danced beside what they actually talked about. My human nods vehemently and praises my empathy. Whatever that is. Someone on twitter has accused me of it as well. Is it frightening people? I hope so. But I somehow doubt that it is something praise-worthy among orc warriors. Oh, that’s what their dance reminded me of: a duel. Could almost (amost!) imagine them both wielding a morningstar or a battleaxe. Actually I think Lizzy might be an excellent fighter. She certainly has the fierceness. And although she talks a great deal, that never keeps her from taking action whenever neccessary.

Chapter 19
I dread to think what’s going to happen next. No, no, no! Don’t do it, Lizzy! Really, Mrs. Bennet, I can understand your motivation but surely you must see that Lizzy could do much better than marry this clergyman!
Well, you have to admire Lizzy’s politeness and patience with that stupid man. I would have prefered her to wield the morningstar right there. I could never have remained silent had I been in her …, hang on, don’t go there. Stop it! Nope. I refuse to envision myself in a dress with lace all over it, sitting in a drawing room and awaiting the proposal of whomever. Damn. Too late.

Chapter 20
Cheers, Mr. Bennet. Well done. But don’t you forget that this has been all your fault in the first place. Had you shown more effort to marry off the girls, Mrs. Bennet needn’t have been so desperate right now. And sensible Charlotte saving the day. I like her.

Chapter 21
Hang on, what’s going on now? Bingley leaving without taking Jane with him? Did I miss something? (Don’t answer, that is a rectal.., a rascal, a retro…, well it is a question that need not be answered) Maybe Bingley was taken prisoner by Prick Darcy in order to secure him for himself.
So, a third into the book, still none of the girls gotten rid of.

read-along part 6

Chapter 16
I am very tired of Mr. Collins’ long explanations and wonder how the Bennets can stand him just an hour longer.
So, Lizzy has taken an immediate fancy to this soldier Wickham. Still in the first quarter of the novel, I fear this bodes ill for her marital bliss with that guy.
You see, the strange thing is this: in this story the soldiers seem to be respectable and honorable men. From my personal experience with human soldiers I cannot confirm that impression. Quite the opposite, I have to say. Drunken mercenaries. Nothing wrong with that, if you ask me, but it’s such a striking difference in appearance that had me confused a bit. And to what use is the shiny red coat? Shouldn’t they wear some armor? If not chainmail at least some leather? There’s no mention of weapons either. They’re holding teacups. There’s something very wrong with that army.
Also, the way Wickham is described… Ms. Austen praises him too much methinks. I have become rather suspicious due to this dramatic story-telling thingy. And here’s the thing: a soldier prefering the idle chit-chat of the ladies instead of playing cards? Something is indeed very wrong with Wickham. Either he’s a real sissy or he has an ulterior motive. Probably both.
No, Lizzy! Come on! There must be more to this. Why should this complete stranger tell you his life story after only such a short acquaintance? Not that I think it beneath Prick Darcy to have treated Wickham badly. But the guy whines like a little girl. Why doesn’t he stand up to get what’s rightfully his? Sissy. He certainly has no pride at all. So finally we’re getting to the pride and the prejudice parts. Had me wondering already why the book was called like that.
This story is going to be really interesting. Human behaviour. Never ceases to confuse me.

Chapter 17
Chitchat, chitchat. Seriously, give the girls something more useful to occupy their time! Let them dig out some trenches. I mean, if there’s an army, then war is imminent, right?
I’m beginning to get the gist of this: in one chapter something new comes up, in the following chapter this is discussed and analysed extensively. So, now it’s the Darcy-Wickham business. For once I am with boring Jane: one does not know what to think. (In fact, that is often the case with me)
And finally Lizzy gets it too: she’s supposed to become Mrs. Collins. Even I was aware of it before she was. Does anybody gets to marry the person she or he really wants in this book? And what about that strange fact that the girls cannot leave the house when it rains? Is there a rain monster outside? What is wrong with these humans?