She-human convinced me to produce one of these 5-things-lists. The orcish way, naturally.
Here you go:
5 things you shouldn’t do when you stand eye (you) to broad chest (me) with an orc, (or else…):
- breathe (never a good idea within a 10-foot-radius)
- attack (rather self-explanatory, this one)
- yell (orcs have exceptionally good hearing, yelling will lead to the ‘or else…’-part)
- run (might be your only option to get away though. But you have to be really fast)
- talk a lot (patience is not our strong point)
These rules apply for all humans. My own personal she-human has to be more focussed on other things that have a lot to do with household stuff. this is not something she wants me to talk about. Perhaps I should have flushed the lavatory more often.
About the ‘or else…’-bit I can only say: use your imagination. Whatever you heard about orcs, it’s probably true.
In my last post I announced to write something about orc erotica. My human suggested to try something else first, in order to provide less disgusting content. I don’t see what’s wrong about being disgusting, I am an orc after all. But here we go (the juicy stuff is only postponed, trust me).
So, in order to find something more blog-worthy I used a topic generator. I had to add three words into it and it would provide me with five new and interesting topics. So far so good. Naturally I used the following three words:
orcs – cats – hunger
And these are the topics the generator suggested to blog about:
1. What will orcs be like in a 100 years?
2. Why we love cats (and you should, too).
3. 10 quick tips about hunger.
4. 20 myths about orcs.
5. 10 signs you should invest in cats.
Isn’t it great? Of course my human complained that I should have used other words, something more sensible. You know, sometimes I wonder if she is fully aware of who/what I am.
I did spent an unreasonable amount of time playing with the generator, I can only recommend it, it’s great fun.
To actually write about the above mentioned topics proved to be far more difficult, as you might have expected. To be honest, I don’t think I could answer the question about orc development in the next hundred years, mostly because I have no idea how much a hundred really is.
To be advised to love cats, well, nothing so easy. To write about it…, hm. What could I say that wouldn’t upset my human again?
Topic No 3 correlates a lot with the cat loving theme, but I can already see the blood pressure rising on she-humans face.
To blog about orc myths is a very nice suggestion but I am already working on my book about orcs, so I shouldn’t get ahead of myself there.
Which leaves topic No 5. Is it a coincidence that they mention 10 tips about hunger and then ask for 10 signs to invest in cats? I don’t think so.
But I believe my human is already on her way to take away my writing device (it’s her’s, to be honest), so this has to wait for another occasion. Or never.