Busy dictator

In case you’re wondering what I’m doing right now (well, not exactly right now, as I am blogging this very moment), but by the time you’ll be reading this:
I am a dictator.
Yes, that does not come unexpected, does it. But the good news end here.
I am dictating. Words. To my human.
I know, I know.
Could anything be more pathetic?
I don’t think so.
So take my advice: If you ever consider becoming a dictator, do it the proper way, not the book-writing-way. As I have no other options at the moment, I just dream of better days.
The thing I dictate is a story of adventure, of treasures, a shrunken head, and of course my comrades are in it too. Oh, what fun we had.
Those were the days.
Now I am miserable.
Thanks.
😦

P.S. Ha! She-human feels compelled to console me a bit and offers to cook a nice meal. Always works with these compassionate humans. They’ll never learn. Good for me. Grinning from ear to ear now. Oh, must put miserable face back on. Hehe.

A few complaints…

…or as my human put it: mimimi!
Already you begin to see the problem, right?
Yes. I feel neglected.
Lately, my human spends most of her time learning stuff about social networks. When I told her, that I could teach her everything there is to know about it she laughed hysterically. Apparently I have just scratched the iceberg. But I’m not sure whether that iceberg is my human or the amount of knowledge about social media one could gain. How any of this could possibly be related to icebergs at all quite excapes me.
Still, I feel neglected.
I went outside and tried to find pleasure in doing orcish things. For a while it worked, I played capture-the-flag. There’s a lot of flags around here, all sorts of flags. Some with black, red and golden stripes, others with a strange blue emblem on a white background (she-human says it’s the flag of the local football (i.e. soccer) team, the Arminia). That tribe seems to be a bit more fun than the average human. When I took down the black-red-golden flags, no one bothered. But with the blue-white one it got better: some guys tried to stop me, even ran after me. Only when I showed them my impressive… (I leave it to your imagination what it was that impressed them, hehe), did they stop coming after me, Now I have a nice little collection of flags. It was entertaining for a bit, but not for very long.
So, I still feel neglected.
When I look down from the balcony of my human’s flat I see a few cats. They live in my neigbourhood. And I am not allowed to hunt them. They know that. So, they look up to me standing there, and I can definitely spot an evil grin on their face.
Now I feel humiliated.
Don’t you think that ‘mimimi’ is a rather harmless and civilized reaction to all this? Next, they’ll tell me I have to pay taxes…

P.S. She-human says that there is indeed a tax called ‘Vergnuegungssteuer’. You are taxed for having some fun. Could anything be more depressing?
Mimimimimimi………

Another holiday

So, she-human told me, this weekend humans celebrate another holiday. From what I saw so far most people are buying a lot of meat and charcoal, in order to have a proper feast. So, no argument there. But I did some research (yes, I do that kind of thing these days, it’s disgusting, really) and found out that there’s a lot more to this.

First of all, they celebrate the descent of a holy spirit upon the apostles. I have heard about them before. They were the first followers of the guy on the stick. It seems they were very brave but also not quite sure what was going on. And then this spirit descended upon them. Must have been quite a shock. What did it do to them? I don’t know.
But I have very vivid memories of the last time something descended upon me. It was a terrifying moment (and a very painful one), but there was no spirit involved, I can assure you. But this is a story for another time.
What I was trying to say is, that I am very confused about this whole holy spirit thingy. I mean, there they were, being devout followers, and then this spirit possesses them, and then? What happens next? No one knows. What’s the point of being a possessive spirit and then not do something incredible that everyone can see and no one will ever forget? I honestly don’t understand. Also, the spirit seems to act on its own. Where did come from? Is it a ghost? Is it an undead thing? Was it sent by some deity? Is it the restless spirit of stick-guy? I asked, but no one could tell me. I even considered going to one of those temples around here, but then I would have been exposed to more preaching. And that didn’t go down very well with me last time.
Nevertheless, humans are celebrating. So I conclude, that they do that because they were not possessed. Makes sense, don’t you think? The celebrations are a matter of regional proclivities, of which I liked best the morris dancing and the cheese rolling. While I do not know this morris guy, I still think dancing is always a good idea. Even if humans cannot do it properly (i.e. not wild enough).
Rolling some cheese seems an odd idea and therefore has to be some fun. Why else would you do somehting like that, if not for the fun? Sounds truly mad, doesn’t it? So, maybe those humans are possessed by this spirit after all…

Are you an orc at heart?

I have a few questions for you. Don’t think about the answers, give them as intuitive as possible and you will find out whether you might have a bit of an orc inside you (and I do NOT mean that literally!).
Here you go:

1. Do you rant over small matters?
2. Do you like cats and dogs?
3. Do you eat them?
4. Do you sometimes feel the urge to just slap everyone, including yourself?
5. Do you make growling noises in order to express your feelings and opinions?
6. Do you love a good monster hunt?
7. Are you confused about the other sex?
8. Do you believe that thinking is highly overrated?

Well, that wasn’t too difficult, was it?
Here’s what it all means:

• 1-2 x yes: You sure that you are on the right blog?
• 3-4 x yes: There is a little orcling hiding deep inside you. Continue reading here and it might grow properly.
• 5-6 x yes: You are on the right path. You should unleash your inner orc more often
• 7-8 x yes: You might grow tusks any moment now. And look carefully, your skin might have a greenish tinge already.

You’re welcome 🙂

Random blogging – or: how do they know?

In my last post I announced to write something about orc erotica. My human suggested to try something else first, in order to provide less disgusting content. I don’t see what’s wrong about being disgusting, I am an orc after all. But here we go (the juicy stuff is only postponed, trust me).
So, in order to find something more blog-worthy I used a topic generator. I had to add three words into it and it would provide me with five new and interesting topics. So far so good. Naturally I used the following three words:

orcs – cats – hunger

And these are the topics the generator suggested to blog about:

1. What will orcs be like in a 100 years?
2. Why we love cats (and you should, too).
3. 10 quick tips about hunger.
4. 20 myths about orcs.
5. 10 signs you should invest in cats.

Isn’t it great? Of course my human complained that I should have used other words, something more sensible. You know, sometimes I wonder if she is fully aware of who/what I am.
I did spent an unreasonable amount of time playing with the generator, I can only recommend it, it’s great fun.
To actually write about the above mentioned topics proved to be far more difficult, as you might have expected. To be honest, I don’t think I could answer the question about orc development in the next hundred years, mostly because I have no idea how much a hundred really is.
To be advised to love cats, well, nothing so easy. To write about it…, hm. What could I say that wouldn’t upset my human again?
Topic No 3 correlates a lot with the cat loving theme, but I can already see the blood pressure rising on she-humans face.
To blog about orc myths is a very nice suggestion but I am already working on my book about orcs, so I shouldn’t get ahead of myself there.
Which leaves topic No 5. Is it a coincidence that they mention 10 tips about hunger and then ask for 10 signs to invest in cats? I don’t think so.
But I believe my human is already on her way to take away my writing device (it’s her’s, to be honest), so this has to wait for another occasion. Or never.