I’m in trouble.
Nothing new there, you might say. And right you are. Still, this is some form of trouble I would never have expected to find myself in.
Gather round, I tell you.
As I bustled through the internet this morning I came to the realization that today is apparently a special day that everyone seems to be excited about. Having learned my lesson never to ignore my human’s natural habits, I did some research. Sadly enough I found a lot about this guy called Valentine, but it was rather vague and it turned out he didn’t even exist at all. I also learned that people give each other little presents, especially in the form of hearts. Guess what happened next.
After my human had chased me out of the house for presenting her a dog’s heart (okay, I had already nibbled on it a bit) I tried to make amends by singing under the balcony. Soon enough I was accompanied by a number of cats. Knowing better than to catch one of them and throw it onto the balcony as a token of my devotion, I heroically ignored their juicy flesh and kept singing. When a vase painfully hit my head I considered to
buy steal (there is some dignity left in me) some flowers.
Being kindly let back into the flat I then decided to really make an effort. I polished my tusks and varnished my Toenail of Doom. Never having handled lacquer before I spilled some of it. Perhaps it’s the colour that didn’t go well with my human. I mean, rotting green doesn’t really become her, to be honest. But instead of appreciating the effort I am now banished to the balcony. Again. Guess what? It just started raining.
Piss off, Valentine!
Sounds like a musical, actually.
Now I have a picture in my head of a row of dancing orcs in tutus, smiling brightly as they sing a happy tune. I got to throw up any second now. Here’s what caused this odd string of thoughts (and I use the word ‘thoughts’ quite loosely): Continue reading Thrakbog goes to Hollywood. Or maybe not.
…or as my human put it: mimimi!
Already you begin to see the problem, right?
Yes. I feel neglected.
Lately, my human spends most of her time learning stuff about social networks. When I told her, that I could teach her everything there is to know about it she laughed hysterically. Apparently I have just scratched the iceberg. But I’m not sure whether that iceberg is my human or the amount of knowledge about social media one could gain. How any of this could possibly be related to icebergs at all quite excapes me.
Still, I feel neglected.
I went outside and tried to find pleasure in doing orcish things. For a while it worked, I played capture-the-flag. There’s a lot of flags around here, all sorts of flags. Some with black, red and golden stripes, others with a strange blue emblem on a white background (she-human says it’s the flag of the local football (i.e. soccer) team, the Arminia). That tribe seems to be a bit more fun than the average human. When I took down the black-red-golden flags, no one bothered. But with the blue-white one it got better: some guys tried to stop me, even ran after me. Only when I showed them my impressive… (I leave it to your imagination what it was that impressed them, hehe), did they stop coming after me, Now I have a nice little collection of flags. It was entertaining for a bit, but not for very long.
So, I still feel neglected.
When I look down from the balcony of my human’s flat I see a few cats. They live in my neigbourhood. And I am not allowed to hunt them. They know that. So, they look up to me standing there, and I can definitely spot an evil grin on their face.
Now I feel humiliated.
Don’t you think that ‘mimimi’ is a rather harmless and civilized reaction to all this? Next, they’ll tell me I have to pay taxes…
P.S. She-human says that there is indeed a tax called ‘Vergnuegungssteuer’. You are taxed for having some fun. Could anything be more depressing?
In my last post I announced to write something about orc erotica. My human suggested to try something else first, in order to provide less disgusting content. I don’t see what’s wrong about being disgusting, I am an orc after all. But here we go (the juicy stuff is only postponed, trust me).
So, in order to find something more blog-worthy I used a topic generator. I had to add three words into it and it would provide me with five new and interesting topics. So far so good. Naturally I used the following three words:
orcs – cats – hunger
And these are the topics the generator suggested to blog about:
1. What will orcs be like in a 100 years?
2. Why we love cats (and you should, too).
3. 10 quick tips about hunger.
4. 20 myths about orcs.
5. 10 signs you should invest in cats.
Isn’t it great? Of course my human complained that I should have used other words, something more sensible. You know, sometimes I wonder if she is fully aware of who/what I am.
I did spent an unreasonable amount of time playing with the generator, I can only recommend it, it’s great fun.
To actually write about the above mentioned topics proved to be far more difficult, as you might have expected. To be honest, I don’t think I could answer the question about orc development in the next hundred years, mostly because I have no idea how much a hundred really is.
To be advised to love cats, well, nothing so easy. To write about it…, hm. What could I say that wouldn’t upset my human again?
Topic No 3 correlates a lot with the cat loving theme, but I can already see the blood pressure rising on she-humans face.
To blog about orc myths is a very nice suggestion but I am already working on my book about orcs, so I shouldn’t get ahead of myself there.
Which leaves topic No 5. Is it a coincidence that they mention 10 tips about hunger and then ask for 10 signs to invest in cats? I don’t think so.
But I believe my human is already on her way to take away my writing device (it’s her’s, to be honest), so this has to wait for another occasion. Or never.