5 things you shouldn’t do when you stand eye to broad chest with an orc

She-human convinced me to produce one of these 5-things-lists. The orcish way, naturally.
Here you go:


5 things you shouldn’t do when you stand eye (you) to broad chest (me) with an orc, (or else…):

  • breathe (never a good idea within a 10-foot-radius)
  • attack (rather self-explanatory, this one)
  • yell (orcs have exceptionally good hearing, yelling will lead to the ‘or else…’-part)
  • run (might be your only option to get away though. But you have to be really fast)
  • talk a lot (patience is not our strong point)
     

These rules apply for all humans. My own personal she-human has to be more focussed on other things that have a lot to do with household stuff. this is not something she wants me to talk about. Perhaps I should have flushed the lavatory more often.
About the ‘or else…’-bit I can only say: use your imagination. Whatever you heard about orcs, it’s probably true.

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Thrakbog, the boy band

I had a terrible nightmare. And I cannot possibly find words to express my relief that it wasn’t real.
Here’s what happened:
Last evening she-human and I had a lengthy discussion (no yelling, just plain talking) about different tastes in music and she told me about her fancying a boy group when she was a teenager. I had no idea what she meant so she showed me pictures and videoclips of several groups of young humans (presumably male, though I’m not so sure, and neither were they, obviously) in very colourful clothes and of questionable musical talent.
So far so good (or bad).
Continue reading Thrakbog, the boy band

sun bathing

Did you by any chance recognize that it is sunny outside? Summer in krautland is very unstable, I was told. I am a creature that used to live underground for millenia but I find myself adapting to daylight quite cheerfully. She-human on the other hand has never spend one day of her life underground, and yet she refuses to leave the house whenver it is more than an average 25° Celsius outside. If she has no choice she covers her skin with something called suntan lotion.
Well, naturally, I tried it.
First, I confused it with toothpaste, so I put it in my mouth. Instead of spitting it out I swallowed it. Tastes as shitty as it smells. Then I drenched myself in it. Now I stink. Sweet and sticky, that’s what I am now. And above all I have exposed myself to ridicule. Again. Will I ever learn?
You know the answer.
So, now I go outside, the sun is shining, I am trying to enjoy myself. But: I stink. Cats get out of my way (okay, they might have other motives to avoid me), bees find me enormously attractive, wherever I go, things stick to my skin. It’s disgusting. The only way to get rid of it will be by taking a bath, I’m afraid. I hate she-human. I really hate her.

Do we need an orc coroner?

Humans never cease to confuse me.
My own personal human loves stories about other humans that examine dead bodies. Yes, you heard me right. She reads abouth them, she looks at them on telly, she listens to them (No, not to the dead bodies, but to the stories about them. Don’t pretend to be more stupid than you actually are.). It seems that she has a morbid fascination for corpses in all stages of decomposition. But only if a crime is involved. Someone’s murdered and a forensic medical expert has to find out how it was done.
What struck me as odd was the fact that humans seem to need a specialist in order to get that information. So I told she-human that it’s a simple matter. Just look for a big axe, sticking in the corpse. Or a crude arrow in the chest. That shouldn’t be too complicated to detect, right?
But of course with humans, nothing is ever as simple as that.
So I learned a lot about poison, and fake hangings, tiny particles that tell long stories about asphyxiation (of which there is also an erotic version which had me very confused!), and a lot more. It seems that humans get incredibly creative when it comes to murdering each other. Definitely something to look forward to in the future.
This made me wonder, if in my world we should have a coroner too. The thing is, orcs never try to hide a murder. Because: why should they?
Here’s the thing: humans have hidden motives to gain something and therefore must conceal a lot of things over the course of a normal day. Orcs just don’t. Why conceal anything? Deceit is not our strong point. We want something? We take it. Someone stands in the way? Get rid of that someone. It’s as simple as that. I know for certain that there are humans living up to that orcish principle. But the majority obviously goes for deviousness. Why? Because they fear to get caught. There are far too many laws that prevent them from using the axe-solution. The question remains: where did those laws come from? Did they pop up out of nowhere? No, of course not. Humans made them. Again: one can only wonder about the unneccessary complexitiy of the matter. First they make laws against murder. then they commit them but try to avoid said laws. Why make them up in the first place then? Humans…