Tag Archives: cross and nails

Another holiday

So, she-human told me, this weekend humans celebrate another holiday. From what I saw so far most people are buying a lot of meat and charcoal, in order to have a proper feast. So, no argument there. But I did some research (yes, I do that kind of thing these days, it’s disgusting, really) and found out that there’s a lot more to this.

First of all, they celebrate the descent of a holy spirit upon the apostles. I have heard about them before. They were the first followers of the guy on the stick. It seems they were very brave but also not quite sure what was going on. And then this spirit descended upon them. Must have been quite a shock. What did it do to them? I don’t know.
But I have very vivid memories of the last time something descended upon me. It was a terrifying moment (and a very painful one), but there was no spirit involved, I can assure you. But this is a story for another time.
What I was trying to say is, that I am very confused about this whole holy spirit thingy. I mean, there they were, being devout followers, and then this spirit possesses them, and then? What happens next? No one knows. What’s the point of being a possessive spirit and then not do something incredible that everyone can see and no one will ever forget? I honestly don’t understand. Also, the spirit seems to act on its own. Where did come from? Is it a ghost? Is it an undead thing? Was it sent by some deity? Is it the restless spirit of stick-guy? I asked, but no one could tell me. I even considered going to one of those temples around here, but then I would have been exposed to more preaching. And that didn’t go down very well with me last time.
Nevertheless, humans are celebrating. So I conclude, that they do that because they were not possessed. Makes sense, don’t you think? The celebrations are a matter of regional proclivities, of which I liked best the morris dancing and the cheese rolling. While I do not know this morris guy, I still think dancing is always a good idea. Even if humans cannot do it properly (i.e. not wild enough).
Rolling some cheese seems an odd idea and therefore has to be some fun. Why else would you do somehting like that, if not for the fun? Sounds truly mad, doesn’t it? So, maybe those humans are possessed by this spirit after all…

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The legends of Barb and Seb

So, these days humans celebrate that one moment in the past when their leader was put on a stick. While cross-guy’s anniversary is still a bit dubiuos to me (see post from 31st October), she-human told me about some other guys that went through something similar and I very much enjoyed the stories of St. Barbara and St. Sebastian. I mean, to get rid of your enemies is one thing, but to do it in such a creative way, now, that says a lot about your mindset.

Sebastian apparently had been a devout follower of cross-guy and subsequently got sentenced to death and was shot with arrows. But he did not die. If you look at the paintings of the incident it really makes you wonder how anyone could possibly believe him to be dead after that shooting, because there was no blood whatsoever. Bit anemic, the guy.
So, instead of just taking this unexpected opportunity and run like the devil, this stupid idiot goes back to emperor who had ordered the execution and said: “Look, it didn’t work, I’m still alive. You might as well give up on it.”
The emperor – not having gained power for being a sissy – does not listen to the idiot (well done, him) but instead sets up another execution, this time flogging him to death. And in order to make sure that it gets really gory (I like), he throws the body into the city’s sewer.
So far so strange. What really makes me wonder, is the fact that not the emperor was sainted but the idiot who begged for being killed. Seb was really asking for it, wasn’t he? Question is, why?

And then there was Barbara. Young, pretty, clever. She was a follower of cross-guy as well, against her father’s orders. So dad got a bit upset with this obstinate child and handed Barb over to the authorities. They whipped her, beat her, cut off her breasts, burned her with torches. AFTER all that fun they had, they put her on trial (I really like this bit, because it’s so human, to come up with this pointless display of fake justice) and convicted her to death. So she was undressed (I sense a pattern there, all the pictures of these holy people showed extensive nudity) and presented her to the public. And apparently her father was the only one around with some balls, so he beheaded her himself. As an immeadiate response he was struck dead by lightning. Good show!

So I learned a couple of things from these legends:
1. humans love pictures of nude fellows, which is mildly disturbing because they look so much like naked mole rats.
2. humans admire people who wave a flag and yell “kill me, kill me, or else my god des not believe that I have faith!”
3. humans show their true creativity when it comes to torturing their fellow humans

Consequently, point 1 + 2 show that humans are idiots, but point 3 is definitely something to work with.

The matter of redemption

Going out is always fun. I had a very entertaining encounter with a local cleric, a guy somewhat in the same business as Mr. Collins.
So I went to a temple here in the city, people refer to it as a church. There I was observed with some unease which I enjoyed immensely. Then the cleric asked me rather politely to leave or explain my appearance. I had no idea what he was talking about but asked instead if he knew anything about a magic portal. He didn’t. I had a proper look around and found images, paintings and sculptures of an almost naked human nailed to a cross. Had I known before I would have come much sooner! So I asked the cleric about this guy. And here’s what happened next (and I’m rather proud that I can remember it almost word for word):

“That’s our saviour Jesus, of course”, the cleric said. By the way, it was pretty obvious that the clergyman could not wield any form of magic. Clerics in this world are truly powerless, believe me.
Anyway, this saviour-guy. I wanted to know what happened to him and was told his story. That he died, was killed in fact, in order to save me. Of course I didn’t believe that and got a bit angry with the man.
“No”, he insisted, “I’m telling you, he died for you.” He appeared to be quite fearless of me, I have to give him that.
“Why would he do that?”, I asked incredulously. “That would have been rather stupid of him, right? If he sacrificed himself for me, I’d like to know why. I didn’t even know him!”
“Well, he did not do it exclusively for you.”
“Ha! I knew it! So what’s all the fuss about?”
“He gave his life for all of us. So that we are cleansed of our sins and our souls shall be redeemed.”
My blood started boiling, I was getting very angry and I told the clergyman so in no uncertain terms.
“Now listen, you Collins: no orc with some self-respect would ever allow someone else to seek forgiveness for his own sins. Why would cross-guy do that?”
“So that you are forgiven.”
I had to restrain myself by then and counted to ten (more or less). Slightly more calm, I answered him. “Why should I be interested in that? What’s in it for me, being redeemed? Will my wives have fewer offspring?” I would have put up with a lot to gain that effect to be honest.
That obviously confused the man for a moment.
“No, my dear. Your soul will be saved when you find forgiveness.” He sounded rather patroniszing by then and had completely lost me. But, being a terrifying orc, I could not leave without making my point as well.
“So, correct me, if I’m wrong. Somewhere in this world is a man who had himself be slaughtered so that I may appear to be a nice guy?”
“More or less, yes. Perhaps in a more metaphysical…”
“Is he completely out of his mind? How shall I explain that to my family? Do you have any idea what my tribe usually does to “nice guys”? I would not wish that for my worst enemies. So, you go and tell this guy that I don’t want him to do that. I mean, you can, right? You said, he returned after the slaughter so he is still around, correct? Cool move, by the way. Tell him, I like my sins. They were hard work. How could I ever face my comrades again if they heard about a human taking away my sins? And where did he take them anyway?” By then I was truly terrified that I didn’t even look evil anymore.
“Your sins have been washed off.”
“I knew it! This bloody human habit of bathing! I shouldn’t have trusted that she-human.”
“So, you’d rather remain a sinner?”
“Of course, man. So, for me, that guy needs not to run about with that cross on his back.”
“I’m afraid it’s too late for that. It already happened. About two thousand years ago.”
A terrible headache was imminent. For both of us. But for very different reasons.
“So all my atrocities have been in vain?”
“I’m afraid so. You should celebrate and rejoice.”
I put my arm around his shoulder then which finally seeemd to scare him a bit and pushed him out of the church. We moved towards St. James’ Park.
“All right. Now listen. We go for a walk and you tell me a bit more about the nails and the cross. And then we gonna try that on you. And afterwards I’m gonna celebrate and rejoice. How does that sound to you?”
“But my dear son, you must not sin against the commandments of our Lord.”
I almost had a heart attack. I’m not the youngest anymore, you know.
“Son? Our lord? Are you completely mad? I mean, look at us! I am a pure-blooded orc. How could you possibly be my father? Honestly, I don’t understand you humans. You have absolutely no sense of survival. You know what? I pity you. And I’ll spare you. For now. Go back to your cross-guy and pray that you’ll never have to face another creature from my world. You’ll find them less… forgiving.”

And so I left him. I cannot say that I have completely recovered from the utter shock he gave me with this whole business of redemption. But when I look around me I see all these humans sinning constantly and with great pleasure. So I came to the conclusion that the clergyman was simply delusional. A true Collins.
I might go back though. She-human has a hammer and some nails. Hehe.