Environmental Commitment

My human and I had a discussion about eco-friendly stuff.
Yes, we do that kind of thing these days.
I don’t understand most of it, though.
As I get it, lots of the stuff that humans produce will not be biodegraded, ever. No monsters live around here to feed on rusty old cars, no Iron Golem that might be pimped with old machine parts.
If you have a pet, you practically destroy the environment. Providing meat for the pet takes up too much farmland for the cows, obviously. I eat meat. I could feed on the pet, would that help?
Of course, she-human became rather angry after that. She always does. Speaking of logic, it’s not her most striking feature. Whenever it comes to puppies she gets all gooey-eyed and stops thinking rationally. If even I can tell, you see how apparent it really is. Logic isn’t my distinct feature either.
So, we all should contribute to protect this world, she said. Like saving clean water.
I did point out that I save a lot more water than anyone else because I do not use any water at all.
I do not flush the toilet, I never shower or bathe, I do not water any flowers, I have no pets (except my human, of course). So, the No. 1 eco-friendly guy, that’s me. Challenge me on that one!
And guess what? Of course the not-showering-thing did not go down very well with her. Neither did the not-flushing-the-toilet-theme. Humans. Never able to make up their minds.

Cards, not a game I can recommend at all costs

My human and I like to play games. So it was only natural, that we would do it together. Of course we very quickly realized that we do not like the same kind of games, but when she came up with something called strip poker, I was all game. Guess what? Of course. We both hadn’t thought it through.
She was rather good at it I have to say, so it was first me to drop my pants, so to say (I rarely ever wear any, so I dropped my loin cloth). That did not go down very well with she-human (I know this sounds wrong on so many levels, and it truly is). But then I got the gist of the game (and how to cheat) and finally won a few. I really shouldn’t have. Humans have no beauty, no leathery skin, not even hair where it is appropriate. Basically what I faced was a giant naked mole rat. Some things can never be made unseen. Will not be the same after this. Ever.

In the attic

There’s a creature living in the attic.
I wonder how many stories start like that.
Anyway, in this case my human keeps whining and complaining about the hell of a noise said creature makes at night, as it apparently lives above her room called bed. And no, I am not that creature.

For once I tried to be helpful and offered to hunt it down. To be honest I also longed for a bit of an adventure and a monster in the attic seemed to be just the thing. To my utter surprise she-human said it’s not allowed. She assumed that it is a weasel-like animal, dormouse, whatever. So, no monster at all, just a snack between proper meals. She also mentioned that these species are under protection, meaning no hunting at all.
You see, this is what I don’t get about humans. You complain about one single dormouse in the attic but insist on protecting its life. On the other hand you seem to do whatever it takes to kill kill kill, animals, humans, time, each other. I don’t get it. If enough humans are killed will the rest be put under protection as well?
Also, my human. I mean… She obviously loves to watch really gruesome stuff on this telly-device. Bloody and gory (you don’t hear me complaining) murder and horror (still not complaining) but a single dormouse or weasel in the attic is upsetting her. So I asked if the creature was still under protection if it would somehow manage to get into the flat. The murderous look I got was priceless. Protection ends at the door obviously. I consider swapping places with the dormouse. It can have my place on the balcony (yes, I was banned to the balcony as my sleeping place. Where are all the activists to demand species-appropriate husbandry for ME?) and I move to the attic. Party all night. Muahahar.

The legends of Barb and Seb

So, these days humans celebrate that one moment in the past when their leader was put on a stick. While cross-guy’s anniversary is still a bit dubiuos to me (see post from 31st October), she-human told me about some other guys that went through something similar and I very much enjoyed the stories of St. Barbara and St. Sebastian. I mean, to get rid of your enemies is one thing, but to do it in such a creative way, now, that says a lot about your mindset.

Sebastian apparently had been a devout follower of cross-guy and subsequently got sentenced to death and was shot with arrows. But he did not die. If you look at the paintings of the incident it really makes you wonder how anyone could possibly believe him to be dead after that shooting, because there was no blood whatsoever. Bit anemic, the guy.
So, instead of just taking this unexpected opportunity and run like the devil, this stupid idiot goes back to emperor who had ordered the execution and said: “Look, it didn’t work, I’m still alive. You might as well give up on it.”
The emperor – not having gained power for being a sissy – does not listen to the idiot (well done, him) but instead sets up another execution, this time flogging him to death. And in order to make sure that it gets really gory (I like), he throws the body into the city’s sewer.
So far so strange. What really makes me wonder, is the fact that not the emperor was sainted but the idiot who begged for being killed. Seb was really asking for it, wasn’t he? Question is, why?

And then there was Barbara. Young, pretty, clever. She was a follower of cross-guy as well, against her father’s orders. So dad got a bit upset with this obstinate child and handed Barb over to the authorities. They whipped her, beat her, cut off her breasts, burned her with torches. AFTER all that fun they had, they put her on trial (I really like this bit, because it’s so human, to come up with this pointless display of fake justice) and convicted her to death. So she was undressed (I sense a pattern there, all the pictures of these holy people showed extensive nudity) and presented her to the public. And apparently her father was the only one around with some balls, so he beheaded her himself. As an immeadiate response he was struck dead by lightning. Good show!

So I learned a couple of things from these legends:
1. humans love pictures of nude fellows, which is mildly disturbing because they look so much like naked mole rats.
2. humans admire people who wave a flag and yell “kill me, kill me, or else my god des not believe that I have faith!”
3. humans show their true creativity when it comes to torturing their fellow humans

Consequently, point 1 + 2 show that humans are idiots, but point 3 is definitely something to work with.