Tag Archives: WTF Collins?

read-along part 8

I’m on fire! I went through 7 chapters in the last couple of days. It is also a bit worrying as I normally have an incredibly short attention span but I seem to have found something to enjoy as I get older. The fact that I can get older as an orc is something of a miracle in itself. Under normal circumstances (living amongst my fellow orcs), I would be smacked on the head with a morningstar in the near future. An orc over the age of thirty is a rare sight to be seen. Perhaps living apart from my tribe is not the worst that ever happened to me. Well, I know for certain that worse things already happened and I might feel inclined to tell you about some of that in the days or weeks to come. But for now let’s see what Ms. Austen had in store for us.

Chapter 22
Holy shit, Charlotte!

Is it clever? Is it incredibly stupid? Let’s see: she is far more clever than Mr. Collins, so she will probably be able to manipulate him to do whatever she wants. Good choise then. On the other hand he is dull and tiresome. Won’t she hate him for it soon enough? Perhaps she has already a solution in mind. A fake accident or monster attack. Who’d care if in a couple of weeks there were a note of his demise? On second thoughts I wonder if any of my wives had similar ideas when I took them home. Perhaps I should watch my back if I ever go home…

Chapter 23
I don’t think that Mrs. Bennet and Lizzy will ever get on with each other. From a mother’s point of view I can perfectly understand…, hang on, I mean… Not that I ever… Let’s say, from a parent’s point of view I can understand her anger. There she was, totally convinced that she would get rid of at least one of her daughters and then what?
I wonder how they feed all the girls. It’s never mentioned that they go hunting, looting or pillaging.

Chapter 24
I’m beginning to question Lizzy’s power of judgement. She certainly was blinded by that Wickham guy and now she blames Caroline for keeping Bingley away from Jane. It is pretty obvious that it is all Prick Darcy’s doing as he wants to keep his friend for himself. But of course it is a heavy blow to Mrs. Bennet’s efforts to be rid of her.

Chapter 25
I’m getting a bit tired of all the discussions about the girls not marrying. Would be nice for a change to get some action. So Jane is taken away to a big city. That sounds promising. As far as I know that means danger. Nice ­čÖé
Big city means thieves guilds, monsters in the sewer system, intrigues, wizards. Looking forward to that.

Chapter 26
Hm, Jane’s first report from the big city says nothing about monsters. Not even a single thief. Perhaps it was raining most of the time so she couldn’t leave the house. Silly human rule.

Chapter 27
Now Lizzy goes on a journey as well. Travelling by coach. If I know anything for sure that must mean only one thing: an ambush. (I’ve been there many times, always a joy). Come on, Ms. Austen! A simple ambush, you can do it! I mean, if I can do it so can anyone else. Just throw some tree trunks in the way, eat the horses, steal the girls, there you go.

Chapter 28
What is wrong with you, Austen? Not even an accident?
And to top it all, Mr. Collins pops up again.

read-along part 7

Chapter 18
Another ball. Soldiers dancing in fancy dress. Guys, you’re very lucky that there are apparently no orcs anywhere nearby. Wouldn’t survive one little skirmish.
And Wickham turns out to be not only a sissy but also a coward. No surprise there. You can say about Prick Darcy whatever you like but he certainly does not shy away from a confrontation. And he’s obviously a masochist, asking Lizzy to dance with him. I cannot shake off the impression that there was a lot more going on while they danced beside what they actually talked about. My human nods vehemently and praises my empathy. Whatever that is. Someone on twitter has accused me of it as well. Is it frightening people? I hope so. But I somehow doubt that it is something praise-worthy among orc warriors. Oh, that’s what their dance reminded me of: a duel. Could almost (amost!) imagine them both wielding a morningstar or a battleaxe. Actually I think Lizzy might be an excellent fighter. She certainly has the fierceness. And although she talks a great deal, that never keeps her from taking action whenever neccessary.

Chapter 19
I dread to think what’s going to happen next. No, no, no! Don’t do it, Lizzy! Really, Mrs. Bennet, I can understand your motivation but surely you must see that Lizzy could do much better than marry this clergyman!
Well, you have to admire Lizzy’s politeness and patience with that stupid man. I would have prefered her to wield the morningstar right there. I could never have remained silent had I been in her …, hang on, don’t go there. Stop it! Nope. I refuse to envision myself in a dress with lace all over it, sitting in a drawing room and awaiting the proposal of whomever. Damn. Too late.

Chapter 20
Cheers, Mr. Bennet. Well done. But don’t you forget that this has been all your fault in the first place. Had you shown more effort to marry off the girls, Mrs. Bennet needn’t have been so desperate right now. And sensible Charlotte saving the day. I like her.

Chapter 21
Hang on, what’s going on now? Bingley leaving without taking Jane with him? Did I miss something? (Don’t answer, that is a rectal.., a rascal, a retro…, well it is a question that need not be answered) Maybe Bingley was taken prisoner by Prick Darcy in order to secure him for himself.
So, a third into the book, still none of the girls gotten rid of.

read-along part 6

Chapter 16
I am very tired of Mr. Collins’ long explanations and wonder how the Bennets can stand him just an hour longer.
So, Lizzy has taken an immediate fancy to this soldier Wickham. Still in the first quarter of the novel, I fear this bodes ill for her marital bliss with that guy.
You see, the strange thing is this: in this story the soldiers seem to be respectable and honorable men. From my personal experience with human soldiers I cannot confirm that impression. Quite the opposite, I have to say. Drunken mercenaries. Nothing wrong with that, if you ask me, but it’s such a┬ástriking difference in appearance that had me confused a bit. And to what use is the shiny red coat? Shouldn’t they wear some armor? If not chainmail at least some leather? There’s no mention of weapons either. They’re holding teacups. There’s something very wrong with that army.
Also, the way Wickham is described… Ms. Austen praises him too much methinks. I have become rather suspicious due to this dramatic story-telling thingy.┬áAnd here’s the thing: a soldier prefering the idle┬áchit-chat of the ladies instead of playing cards? Something is indeed very wrong with Wickham. Either he’s a real sissy or he has an ulterior motive. Probably both.
No, Lizzy! Come on! There must be more to this. Why should this complete stranger tell you his life story after only such a short acquaintance? Not that I think it beneath Prick Darcy to have treated Wickham badly. But the guy whines like a little girl. Why doesn’t he stand up to get what’s rightfully his? Sissy. He certainly has no pride at all. So finally we’re getting to the pride and the prejudice parts. Had me wondering already why the book was called like that.
This story is going to be really interesting. Human behaviour. Never ceases to confuse me.

Chapter 17
Chitchat, chitchat. Seriously, give the girls something more useful to occupy their time! Let them dig out some trenches. I mean, if there’s an army, then war is imminent, right?
I’m beginning to get the gist of this: in one chapter something new comes up, in the following chapter this is discussed and analysed extensively. So, now it’s the Darcy-Wickham business. For once I am with boring Jane: one does not know what to think. (In fact, that is often the case with me)
And finally Lizzy gets it too: she’s supposed to become Mrs. Collins. Even I was aware of it before she was. Does anybody gets to marry the person she or he really wants in this book? And what about that strange fact that the girls cannot leave the house when it rains? Is there a rain monster outside? What is wrong with these humans?

read-along part 5

Chapter 11
Watching some other person read a book is not proper entertainment for the evening. Go, end your life, Ms. Bingley. Prick Darcy won’t have you anyway. Uuuh, what is she doing? Dragging Lizzy into this? Big mistake, Caroline, very big mistake. I don’t get half of the banter between Prick and Lizzy but even I can see that he enjoys it far more than anyone expected, probably including himself. Maybe he likes to be bossed around for once. I have to admit she has an interesting dominant streak.

Chapter 12
Whatever goes on in Prick Darcy’s head, I don’t get it. Does he fancy Lizzy or not? If so, why hesitate? The fact that she has a mind of her own should make the hunt only more fun. Like I said: impotent prick.
And someone should have told Ms. Austen that she cannot mention a whipping just in passing. More details, please. What did the soldier do? How many lashes did he get?

Chapter 13
Addition to the family party? Is Mr. Bennet finally taking a second wife? Oh no, I forgot. Not allowed. I’m just as confused as Mrs. Bennet right now. And I certainly have a bit of a problem with Mr. Bennet’s sense of humour.
An heir. A total stranger, an heir? Hm, at least that guy seems to see the injustice of it all. Not that I usually care a lot for justice. I really don’t get it: How can some theoretical construction called “The Law” overrule Mr. Bennet’s wish to bequeath his property to whomever he likes? And what kind of guy is this clergyman? I’m quite sure he as nothing in common with the clerics of my tribe. Still no fight in sight. The most wimpish creature I ever beheld. I can perfectly imagine him babbling endlessly, much to the Bennets’ chagrin.

Chapter 14
So why can’t Mr. Collins marry Lady Catherine and be off? Why didn’t Ms. Austen think of that? My human explains that first of all the Lady is a noble woman and someone like Collins was far beneath her status. I get that. Also she tells me about drama in story telling. (I feel a bit relieved but also slightly miffed about the fact this does not seem to be a true story but only made-up) So, apparently before it can get better it must get worse. Considering the fact that I’m not even halfway through the book this makes me fear the worst for myself and Mrs. Bennet.

Chapter 15
Oh, now there’s a nice characterization of Mr. Collins. Self-conceit and a weak mind. Actually that sounds a lot like myself. Am I like this clergyman? No way. He’s an ingratiating weakling, I am a fearless warrior. Simple minded, yes, but you don’t need to do mathematical equations when entering a dungeon full of gnomes. There will be plenty. I would like to see Mr. Collins in that dungeon (any kind of dungeon, actually). Perhaps he might chatter the gnomes to sleep. But back to the chapter.
So, he wants to marry one of the girls, any of them would do as it seems. With Jane being already pretty much spoken for it can only be poor Lizzy as the next in line. Mrs. Bennet seems only too happy to get Lizzy out of the house. Certainly that is a very sensible point of view but to marry Lizzy off to this clergyman? I assume again this has a lot to do with drama of story telling? (Human nods enthusiastically. I think she looks rather proud of me.)
And now this soldier, Wickham. Too good to be true, isn’t he? This bodes us no good. The fact that he and Prick Darcy seem to know each other and their reactions when they met allows for some hope that there’ll be blood. Finally.