My human and I had a bit of a discussion. Alright, a yelling.
About a week ago I had been watching something very interesting on kraut telly. Some very odd folks were using a huge bowl-like dish by the name of Wok to sled down a track. It looked like a lot of fun. (In case you have no idea what I’m talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wok_racing or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUHQoD3lgQI )
So, naturally, I wanted to try it myself.
Luckily, she-human owns a wok, so I took it. A series of problems occured:
1. no snow or ice anywhere near where I live right now
2. rooftops are not as useful as I thought
3. stairs have no use either
4. the wok is not suited for a butt of orcish proportions
5. she-human now needs a new wok
6. I might find it difficult to sit for a while
They did not mention all that on the telly. Bunch of liars.
Do you know where I might get a bigger wok?
Finally I found something that gave me hope about the human race. And his name is Muddy Waters. What a great name. She-human said that he died over thirty years ago, but – all praise to human technology – I can see him on this electronic device. If you never heard of him, you only got yourself to blame. I added a link to one of his songs, in fact it is the one song, that made me reconsider my opinion about humans in general. A race that can produce a man like this can’t be all bad. And this special song is so much a bout me it’s actually frightening. He got balls, let me tell you that. So do I, you did know that already, right? You better nod silently, or else I come and get you.
Strange thing is, while I was mesmerised by this incredible song and the even more impressive singer, she-human seemed to drool over the sight of one of the skinny pale guys in the background. I will never understand her. Anyway, when I get home, I’ll tell my folk about the Blues. It’s gonna change orcish life forever. And for once, change will be good. Very good.
She-human said that it might not be allowed to show that song (something to do with copyrights) but I mean, seriously? This amazing song should not be kept from anyone. Also: I am an orc, so what do I care about laws? I do not even understand it, anyway.
I am a hoochie coochie orc.
Who would have thought that painting a bloody picture could actually be a pain in the … claw. If you’re not sure what that is:
Me in a pink tutu. In order to amuse my human and kill her by making her laugh hysterically. Didn’t work so far but was a close call.
It is pretty cold here in kraut-land which might explain why the kraut-humans all look so very grim most of the time. It also explains why they imbibe copious quantities of alcohol at a place they call the “Weihnachtsmarkt”, something that has to do with christmas but the guy with the cross and the nails is nowhere around, I think.
The cold weather also has a terrible effect on my jewels. I’ll spare you the details (how far has it come already that I even consider sparing you any gory stuff), but my family heirloom resembles some shriveling plums more than anything else. Bloody cold is to blame.
Also it makes finding permanent accomodations a lot more urgent. The she-human I picked has no idea yet that I am her current flatmate. Fortunately she leaves the house rather early in the morning so I can sneak in and sleep most of the morning. I decided that keeping quiet about it for a while is probably more wise considering what happened in London. Humans are rather unforgiving when their natural habits get disturbed. Not that I would care about that under normal circumstances but that is exactly the problem: the circumstances are far from being normal and it is not even remotely forseeable when it will ever get better. For me, that is. For she-human of my choise it will get worse from now on. Hehe. Awww, no, come on. I can be nice. No, really! I can. Okay, I hardly ever am, but then I’m an orc, it is my natural behaviour to cause chaos and mayhem. If I were to sit quitely in a corner, knitting socks and discussing the weather, I suppose a visit to a psychiatrist would be in order. Oh, hang on, I did mention the weather. A crisis is imminent. Will raid one of those “Gluehweinbuden” to feel better. Just in case you don’t know, they’re selling hot wine with tasty spices. Definitely something that should exist in every orcish society.
Prost, as the kraut-humans say. (I think they’re called germans, but who cares, actually?)