Tag Archives: Prick Darcy

A conspiracy of …, I don’t even know

Something very odd is going on. Let me explain.
My current she-human and the one I stayed with in London obviously share an interest in a certain story. If I may remind you of a series of posts a while ago, you’ll see what I mean.
The story is called Pride & Prejudice and my human in London made me read the book. It was the first time ever that I read anything other than tracks of monsters. And it didn’t end well, as I ate that book halfway through (when Prick Darcy proposed to Lizzy Bennet). Continue reading A conspiracy of …, I don’t even know

I ate it

“WTF, Thrakbog?”, you might say. And yes, you’re absolutely right. Those were my exact words too. I finally ate the bloody book. I couldn’t bear it any longer. Idiot Darcy telling Lizzy that he loved her. And proposing to her. I mean, seriously? The man was clearly delusional. Trust me, he was. I know an awful lot about halluzinating, given that I frequently drink the stuff the brewer concocts. And I guarantee you, Prick Darcy has completely lost his marbles. All of them. The ones in his head and those a bit further down, which I heard described as the family jewels. The man has got no balls!
No longer able to call him Prick Darcy, I ended his and my own misery and ate the bloody book.
Will go out for a catsnack and be a proper orc again. I really should have known. Orcs don’t read books.
Although I have to admit that Lady Catherine de Bourgh had some potential for becoming a truly evil overlord. Uhm, overlady. Oh, well. Never mind.
I feel some wanderlust growing inside me. At least I hope it is wanderlust. Otherwise I’d have to reconsider eating books in the future. I normally digest rusty nails and monster-steaks but the written word could prove inedible and hard to swallow.
So wanderlust it is. Where shall I go? Will do some research to find out where I might find a magic portal. But first: cat. Or dog. I’m not picky.

read-along part 7

Chapter 18
Another ball. Soldiers dancing in fancy dress. Guys, you’re very lucky that there are apparently no orcs anywhere nearby. Wouldn’t survive one little skirmish.
And Wickham turns out to be not only a sissy but also a coward. No surprise there. You can say about Prick Darcy whatever you like but he certainly does not shy away from a confrontation. And he’s obviously a masochist, asking Lizzy to dance with him. I cannot shake off the impression that there was a lot more going on while they danced beside what they actually talked about. My human nods vehemently and praises my empathy. Whatever that is. Someone on twitter has accused me of it as well. Is it frightening people? I hope so. But I somehow doubt that it is something praise-worthy among orc warriors. Oh, that’s what their dance reminded me of: a duel. Could almost (amost!) imagine them both wielding a morningstar or a battleaxe. Actually I think Lizzy might be an excellent fighter. She certainly has the fierceness. And although she talks a great deal, that never keeps her from taking action whenever neccessary.

Chapter 19
I dread to think what’s going to happen next. No, no, no! Don’t do it, Lizzy! Really, Mrs. Bennet, I can understand your motivation but surely you must see that Lizzy could do much better than marry this clergyman!
Well, you have to admire Lizzy’s politeness and patience with that stupid man. I would have prefered her to wield the morningstar right there. I could never have remained silent had I been in her …, hang on, don’t go there. Stop it! Nope. I refuse to envision myself in a dress with lace all over it, sitting in a drawing room and awaiting the proposal of whomever. Damn. Too late.

Chapter 20
Cheers, Mr. Bennet. Well done. But don’t you forget that this has been all your fault in the first place. Had you shown more effort to marry off the girls, Mrs. Bennet needn’t have been so desperate right now. And sensible Charlotte saving the day. I like her.

Chapter 21
Hang on, what’s going on now? Bingley leaving without taking Jane with him? Did I miss something? (Don’t answer, that is a rectal.., a rascal, a retro…, well it is a question that need not be answered) Maybe Bingley was taken prisoner by Prick Darcy in order to secure him for himself.
So, a third into the book, still none of the girls gotten rid of.

read-along part 6

Chapter 16
I am very tired of Mr. Collins’ long explanations and wonder how the Bennets can stand him just an hour longer.
So, Lizzy has taken an immediate fancy to this soldier Wickham. Still in the first quarter of the novel, I fear this bodes ill for her marital bliss with that guy.
You see, the strange thing is this: in this story the soldiers seem to be respectable and honorable men. From my personal experience with human soldiers I cannot confirm that impression. Quite the opposite, I have to say. Drunken mercenaries. Nothing wrong with that, if you ask me, but it’s such a striking difference in appearance that had me confused a bit. And to what use is the shiny red coat? Shouldn’t they wear some armor? If not chainmail at least some leather? There’s no mention of weapons either. They’re holding teacups. There’s something very wrong with that army.
Also, the way Wickham is described… Ms. Austen praises him too much methinks. I have become rather suspicious due to this dramatic story-telling thingy. And here’s the thing: a soldier prefering the idle chit-chat of the ladies instead of playing cards? Something is indeed very wrong with Wickham. Either he’s a real sissy or he has an ulterior motive. Probably both.
No, Lizzy! Come on! There must be more to this. Why should this complete stranger tell you his life story after only such a short acquaintance? Not that I think it beneath Prick Darcy to have treated Wickham badly. But the guy whines like a little girl. Why doesn’t he stand up to get what’s rightfully his? Sissy. He certainly has no pride at all. So finally we’re getting to the pride and the prejudice parts. Had me wondering already why the book was called like that.
This story is going to be really interesting. Human behaviour. Never ceases to confuse me.

Chapter 17
Chitchat, chitchat. Seriously, give the girls something more useful to occupy their time! Let them dig out some trenches. I mean, if there’s an army, then war is imminent, right?
I’m beginning to get the gist of this: in one chapter something new comes up, in the following chapter this is discussed and analysed extensively. So, now it’s the Darcy-Wickham business. For once I am with boring Jane: one does not know what to think. (In fact, that is often the case with me)
And finally Lizzy gets it too: she’s supposed to become Mrs. Collins. Even I was aware of it before she was. Does anybody gets to marry the person she or he really wants in this book? And what about that strange fact that the girls cannot leave the house when it rains? Is there a rain monster outside? What is wrong with these humans?