I think I might run a campaign to become the next chancellor of the people of the sausage tribe. Why shouldn’t I, right?
They had their ‘Frauenquote’, now it’s about time they get the ‘Orkquote’ which would be the logical next step in human stupidity, called political correctness.
But to be honest I can envison myself, quite cheerfully accepting a bunch of flowers after elections, eating them or throwing them in the face of some surprised human. Yes, that would be fun, wouldn’t it?
First I would make sure I get all the campaign contributions, meaning tax money will be thrown my way and I don’t have to visit The Agency. So instead of sucking all the money out of one human, a whole country would then pay for my living. Excellent.
Next, I would get myself lots of campaign advisers, consultants and coordinators, just in case something went wrong. I could yell at them, throw things at them, kick them out and have a really good time while doing so.
And if nothing goes wrong I will become chancellor and then I can do whatever I want anyway. Not that I don’t do that right now already. But there’s a difference in quality, I’m sure. There has to be.
I would travel around sausage land in several forms of tin, perhaps a metal band would accompany me, which would make my campaign appearances much more entertaining. Drinking contests, bar brawls, mayhem in strip clubs, all of this would further my reputation as a really good sport.
People will love or hate me, either way they would vote for me. If they don’t I start an uprising of the stupid masses.
I know a lot about that, trust me. Most of the time I am a stupid mass and I raise myself up almost every morning. Consider me qualified.
So, Chancellor Thrakbog. How does that sound? Lame, actually. Emperor would be so much better. But it’s a start. In the end it might have a ring to it that says Evil Overlord.
And now I’m gonna muse about all the things I would change as soon as I am in charge. Free beer for all sausage people. They have a high tolerance for alcohol I was told. Could be fun then to play ‘last man standing’. In the end it would probably be a she-human, only because they insist on their bloody Frauenquote.
It just dawned on me that I might safely boast to be the only orc proficient with social networks. Okay, it always depends on how you define proficieny but I think I’m doing rather well, Given the fact that I had been illiterate when I arrived in this world. That brings me to the question how I could use this newly gained knowledge after my return home. She-human tells me the little device I’m currently using will be utterly pointless in my own world as long as no one invented electricity, the internet or four-layered toilet paper.
I very much appreciate the latter but cannot see the connection to my blogging device. She insists that it matters though. I have to admit that I frequent the room named bath a lot while tweeting so maybe that’s what she meant.
The matter of electricity though, hm, I’m sure it can be substituted by magic somehow. Noden will know.
Anyway, the problem remains how to harness this new ability at home. Social networking in itself is such a foreign thing to my fellow orcs that I must be prepared to face some violent arguments. Nothing wrong with that, mind you, but I never really took any trouble convincing anyone of anything they did not wish to know. In this case I might find it worth my time to go through a lot of trouble. First of all I need to abduct one of the humans that invented the whole shit and take him/her/it/whatever with me. Next I have to make sure said person lives long enough to invent the stuff in my world again. This could prove fairly difficult. But imagine the advantages to be gained! Orcs being able to communicate all over my world! Finally we would prove that we are indeed superior. To be honest the social part of the networking thing might get the short end of the stick but that’s not unexpected, right? There is a drawback thought that gives me pause. Imagine my wives constantly being able to contact their families, relatives, lots of other females? Also, the devices surely need some improvement, especially concering their outdoor durability. Orcs like to live rough, the device wouldn’t last a single day under such conditions. Also the device would need armor. Battle proof.
But what I’m really looking forward to is this: downloading orc music. Heavy Metal bands, we practically invented them but so far only humans profit from it. I want progress in my world, too. Access to the internet should be a basic orcish right.
Kraut-land is odd, very odd indeed. Not only do they indulge in something called politics – which not even inlcudes huge axes and hammers – but they do it with such an amount of correctness that makes it practically disgusting.
Gird your loins, folk and gather round, I tell you what disturbs me:
Tomorrow is called ‘women’s day’, apparently. To give the female folk one day of the year to do as they please, that’s okay, I could live with that.
But here in kraut-land the professional politicians (which is basically a nice way to say ‘sissy’) have come up with such a strange idea that leaves me rather confused.
In order to make sure that more women are enabled to enter powerful positions in companies there will be a guaranteed percentage of 30% of females on every supervisory board.
It’s as if someone would say to me: “You can have ten wives, Thrakbog, but three of them must be male.” I mean, WTF?
I don’t get it. Seriously. She-human tried to explain it to me. So, women suffer from discrimination in this world. Well, of course they do! That’s the whole point of being male, is it not? Running this world as if it belonged to us. And so it does. How stupid must a male be to give up his supremacy? 30%! Honestly, I do not even know how much that is. But I do know, it is far too much anyway. As orcs are superior to humans, so are the males to the females. Anyone not agreeing with me is invited to debate it with an axe. That’s the material point. I use an axe to make my opinion clear. She-human says that we must overcome that. Talk about things. The question is: why? As long as I have my axe…
There is something else that troubles me. Today I learned that females with a larger butt give birth to smarter childen. That shows the orcish dilemma in a nutshell.
Here’s what I mean:
Male orcs must eat. A lot. That leaves the females sometimes hungry. But the skinny females give birth to stupid children. Meaning, the father is never outsmarted by his children. Which is good. We can’t have that, can we. I am the perfect example of it.
On the other hand, females try and grab as much food as possible while the men are still on the battelfield, stuffing it down their throats before the males come home. That way they get fat and sexy, which makes it more likely that males will produce more offspring which then is cleverer than the father. Not good. Life expectancy is shortened. It is the ultimate dilemma for every male orc. Perhaps a guaranteed percentage of fat wives and smart children is in order…
I have been informed that in this world humans who are without employment have to visit The Agency. The whole idea of not employing yourself by simply doing whatever it is you usually do is very unorcish indeed.
Humans have to go there in order to find employment. They have different names for it, employment agency, job center, dole office. It all comes down to The Agency making sure that said humans get a job. Or so they say. They boast to promote reinstatement, further human’s career, and – even more important – they handle the unemployment benefits. If I got that right it means, humans without a job get money for doing nothing. Makes me wonder why anyone would ever think about taking a job at all. She-human explained that The Agency has come to that exact conclusion as well and so they make the humans take any job or else: no money. Problem in this world: no money – no fun.
So, there we are. Unemployed orc.
I seriously considered going to The Agency and file for my jobseeker’s allowance. Serious matters kept me from doing so.
1. Office hours – nothing I can accept
2. very tight orcpower market – they might not be able to offer me any job suitable for an orc. But I do not want to end up cleaning human lavatories. Dignity, you know.
3. my current work-life-balance is somewhat unhinged, I do not feel like working on a regular basis. I am an orc for any god’s sake!
4. she-human strongly supported me going there, which made me very suspicious. Even more so when I saw the gleam of mischief in her eyes. I am all for having fun, especially when it includes making humans suffer but in this case I might be the one who pays the price. From what I heard, The Agency never forgets. Once in its claws, you’re doomed forever.
Imagine the following situation:
“Hello, what can I do for you?”
“I am looking for a job.”
“Good. What are your qualifications?”
“Killing, pillaging, burning, slaughter.”
“Producing chaos and mayhem on a regular basis?”
“Good. Actually we might have exactly the job that would suit you perfectly.”
“Indeed, these qualifications are much in demand worldwide. What about your religious beliefs?”
“I believe that orcs are superiour. That explains practically anything that goes with it. Does not matter which god to pray to.”
“Even better. So you would not mind murdering on behalf of any god?”
“Perfect. Would you mind telling me if you have a life insurance?”
“Just to know whether your loved ones are being cared for, when you leave them behind.”
“Well, these jobs usually come with a shortened lifespan.”
“Suicide bombing is normally quite lethal, I’m afraid.”
“You want me to commit suicide in the name of an invisible friend some humans pray to?”
“Well, I wouldn’t call them ‘friend’ really. It’s an excuse for being inhumanely violent and call it god’s will. Much in demand these days.”
“Hm, inhuman I am. But the whole business doesn’t sound very appealing to me. You know what, I do not want that job.”
“Then we’ll cut your allowance.”
“I could employ myself.”
“Orc on demand.”
“I do not think the market does offer regular labour in that field.”
“Shouldn’t you encourage my attempts to be reinstated?”
“My job is to get rid of as many of you as quickly as possible.”
“You see! So is mine!”
Well, the dialgue would end there, naturally. On the other hand, would I then have to take the job of the agent?
You see, that’s why I stay away from The Agency.