Tag Archives: orc in a tin of transport

What an Enterprise!

Remember when I told you that my human used to take me along on some adventures she called board games? And then she started to neglect me. Yeah, it’s a sad business, being the only orc in this world.

So, what with me being very adventurous on my own (who needs humans, tbh), I hopped onto the shelves where she stores them and found me some interesting looking stuff.

Enterprise Board GameThis is the first one I’m gonna take a closer look at. The guy on the front has some impressive forehead, I quite like him.

Continue reading What an Enterprise!

Orc on a Mystery train

Mystery ExpressYou know, sometimes my human makes me wonder. Oh, alright, not only sometimes. But in this case it just showed how little she knows me. As if I cared who murdered the passenger as long as I got to loot the luggage? Of course, that’s not what I expected when I boarded the train. Here’s what happened.

OMG it is the kraken!

The submarine Red November
Thrakbog boarding the submarine

For reasons I cannot begin to understand my human sent me on board of an experimental gnomish submarine. Yep, you read correctly. One orc with an unknown number of gnomes in a submarine powered by some atomic device nobody really knows how to handle. (Well, certainly I don’t).
OMG It is indeed the kraken

Chancellor Thrakbog

Hunting in the grassI think I might run a campaign to become the next chancellor of the people of the sausage tribe. Why shouldn’t I, right?

They had their ‘Frauenquote’, now it’s about time they get the ‘Orkquote’ which would be the logical next step in human stupidity, called political correctness.
But to be honest I can envison myself, quite cheerfully accepting a bunch of flowers after elections, eating them or throwing them in the face of some surprised human. Yes, that would be fun, wouldn’t it?

First I would make sure I get all the campaign contributions, meaning tax money will be thrown my way and I don’t have to visit The Agency. So instead of sucking all the money out of one human, a whole country would then pay for my living. Excellent.
Next, I would get myself lots of campaign advisers, consultants and coordinators, just in case something went wrong. I could yell at them, throw things at them, kick them out and have a really good time while doing so.
And if nothing goes wrong I will become chancellor and then I can do whatever I want anyway. Not that I don’t do that right now already. But there’s a difference in quality, I’m sure. There has to be.
I would travel around sausage land in several forms of tin, perhaps a metal band would accompany me, which would make my campaign appearances much more entertaining. Drinking contests, bar brawls, mayhem in strip clubs, all of this would further my reputation as a really good sport.
People will love or hate me, either way they would vote for me. If they don’t I start an uprising of the stupid masses.
I know a lot about that, trust me. Most of the time I am a stupid mass and I raise myself up almost every morning. Consider me qualified.
So, Chancellor Thrakbog. How does that sound? Lame, actually. Emperor would be so much better. But it’s a start. In the end it might have a ring to it that says Evil Overlord.

And now I’m gonna muse about all the things I would change as soon as I am in charge. Free beer for all sausage people. They have a high tolerance for alcohol I was told. Could be fun then to play ‘last man standing’. In the end it would probably be a she-human, only because they insist on their bloody Frauenquote.

Orc in a wok

My human and I had a bit of a discussion. Alright, a yelling.
About a week ago I had been watching something very interesting on kraut telly. Some very odd folks were using a huge bowl-like dish by the name of Wok to sled down a track. It looked like a lot of fun. (In case you have no idea what I’m talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wok_racing or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUHQoD3lgQI )
So, naturally, I wanted to try it myself.
Luckily, she-human owns a wok, so I took it. A series of problems occured:
1. no snow or ice anywhere near where I live right now
2. rooftops are not as useful as I thought
3. stairs have no use either
4. the wok is not suited for a butt of orcish proportions
5. she-human now needs a new wok
6. I might find it difficult to sit for a while

They did not mention all that on the telly. Bunch of liars.
Do you know where I might get a bigger wok?