The fourth and final chapter of my scholarly paper is online. I will lay down my professorship for a bit, as it is very unorcish anyway and I get the feeling that I should be out hunting. Winter is definitely not coming to kraut-land in the near future, so I’ll be hopping about in the woods for a bit. If you go all aawwwww right now, let me tell you, I AM NOT CUTE! Proof is in the final chapter.
The paragraph about the Glorious Games has been posted before, but I strongly advise you to read it all again.
I had a proper look around, these last couple of days, despite the crappy weather. And I realized: the humans around here should by no means be called krauts. True, that stuff is available at those market-like buildings, stored in tins (everything concerning human comes in tins). But I never once saw anyone actually eat it.
What they DO eat, constantly, is bread and sausages. It comes in various forms and tastes, and it is available literally everywhere. Humans enjoying their favourite pastimes (football, not internet-trolling) – who’s already there? A sausage-seller. a remote place, deep in the forest, a carpark, and? Right. Sausageman. Or Sausagewoman. the humans do not seem to mind who sells that stuff as long as they get it, preferably with a slice of bread and some green stuff called mustard. THAT is fantastic shit, I tell you. And it does funny things to the nose, when you eat at least a mouthful of it. I love it all.
So, today I may proudly say I am a sausage-orc. With a mustard-mustache. Life is great. Fuck the rain.
Humans are stupid. It borders on a miracle that this species made it so far. That, or there are no real vampires in this world. But then why do humans believe in their existence? I had a somewhat irritating discussion (whenever I use the word ‘discussion’ consider it a battle of yelling) with she-human about the matter. We seemed to agree and not agree at the same time which is definitely too much to grasp for my poor little brain.
She has the odd habit of playing games where she pretends to be someone else but it is not the same as the humans in the theaters do (or so she says). It is called ‘role playing game’. In one of those games she pretended to be a vampire. She agreed with me that those are nasty buggers but also insisted that they do NOT exist in real life. I know for sure that they do, but maybe not in this world. The question remains how do humans know about vampires at all if they never existed around here? And how come they have such a wrong picture of those creatures? Trust me, they do NOT glitter. Ever. Except maybe if they fell into a decorated christmas tree. Which is not very likely. I might be able to imagine a situation where that could happen but not to such an amount that it caused reason to believe it made the whole species permanently glitter. You get my meaning. The thing is: if I understand that, how come humans don’t? Only possible answer: humans are stupid (see above) and – all together now – orcs are superiour.
Also there is the fact that in my world vampires are by no means ridiculous or sexy. They are evil in the worst sense of the word, meaning that they’re not even fun to have as an adversary. Blood, blood, blood, is all that matters. Horrid addicts with no sense of humour whatsoever. They put up a good fight and to be honest, in a battle one on one, I would not put my money on the orc (not that I would ever put any money literally ON anyone). Only very few creatures could stand up to a vampire and live to tell the tale. Good thing they usually hunt alone. Orcs never do. It’s the genius of the masses that wins the day. Yes, you heard me right, orcs do in fact have swarm intelligence. How else do you think could our species ever survive? We overrun the enemy if they’re stupid enough not to escape immediately.
While I was still ‘discussing’ the matter she-human went pale and smacked herself in the face. Rather charming I have to confess, although I prefer to do the smacking myself. So I inquired the reason for such odd behaviour. She explained that in those role playing games she not only pretended to be a vampire but also a dwarf (which I found disgusting) and an orc! I had to sit down right then. It was a very special moment for both of us (I see her becoming Mrs. Thrakbog No. 5 – at least I think it’s No. 5.) But her reason for going pale was rather less pleasurable. She played an orc and woops- here I am, a creature she never assumed would exist. What if the vampires then…? You get it. Hehe. So if I got through a portal into this world why not a vampire? And then my idea of a christmas tree-glittery vampire will become reality. I am a prophet. Very much into the christmas spirit, ain’t I?
Still no change in the weather. She-human promised that there will be snow sooner or later. I really hope she is aware of my ignorance when it comes to delayed gratification. I want snow. Now. I don’t think I’ve ever been so depressed by rain before. Even going out for a gluehwein or a rabbit hunt isn’t fun in this weather. So in order to keep my mind engaged (and off the contents of the fridge) she-human reads me stories. I cannot bring myself to do the reading. Still burping up irregular verbs now and then.
So I hear stories about poor kids, freezing in the cold streets of London. It’s madey-uppy, obviously. The weather was great while I was in London. I assume she-human is trying to get rid of me by telling me about far away places with lots of snow. So maybe even this Yeti thingy is not true. I’m gonna stay here. It’s a warm and dry place which is all I want right now.
In one of the stories she read to me some human fed a diamond to a goose in order to hide the gem. Then he got into trouble when someone else bought and ate said goose. What bugged me was the fact that this someone found the gem when slicing the bird. Surely in an orcish version he would have found it a few hours later, if at all, in his poo. Slicing a bird in order to eat it. How sissy is that? On the other hand, that guy who found out all about the matter was really smart. Made me wonder why someone so brainy would spend his time with such trivial matters instead of being an evil overlord. Perhaps I should find him and make him take on my case of the lost orc.
She-human just informed me that this Sherlock guy never existed. See? That is the problem with you humans. Excuses, excuses, excuses. So I’m gonna try it myself, this deduction thingy. Call me Thrakbog Holmes.
Winter in kraut-land is lame. Seriously, I don’t think it deserves the word winter at all. There might be other parts of this land where things are different, but right here in East-Westphalia it does nothing but rain. I went out into the woods to find some entertainment, maybe a monster to hunt, but there wasn’t any. Some rabbits, that’s it. Got wet and muddy feet and consequently into trouble when I came home.
How different things were back home. I remember that one time when me and my comrades went out into the wild to hunt a beast. It was deep and dark winter, in fact it was so cold that the snot dripping from our noses froze. We went up high into the mountains because we assumed to find one of those giant beasts we call ice dragon. I’m sure some mad scientist (aren’t they all?) or wizard calls them something posh like Glacialis Draconis. I might have overheard a conversation where this came up. I could not possibly know this all by myself. I’m an orc, for Gruumsh’s sake! On the other hand living with a human might improve my cognitive abilities. I have no idea what I am talking about right now. So maybe there’s some hope left for me to remain an orc through and through. I’m driveling.
So, ice dragons. Nasty buggers. They are slightly duller than your usual chromatic dragon but luckily very evil and never contemplate whether eating their prey makes sense. That way they’re more fun to hunt. Discussion is pointless and unwanted. I think that way both sides get a fair chance to win the game. Not that I could care at all about fairness. But in a battle of brawn vs. brain the odds are a bit unbalanced. Imagine an orc interbreeding with a dragon. Very pleasing thought, actually. Problem is, they’re hard to find if they take a slumber, what with being white as snow and all that. So instead, we stumbled upon an ice golem which was fun to destroy. It shattered prettily in thousands of icy shards. Not that I counted them, but Noden said so and I had no reason to doubt him. On the downside ice golems have the ability to shock-freeze their opponents which is a bit disconcerting. Especially when being attacked by said golem the next moment. But as always I could rely on my comrades to kick Frosty in the metaphorical nuts.
She-humans tells me there is a mythical creature called Yeti which might be fun to hunt. Perhaps I will take a little trip to wherever that creature lives.