read-along part 3

I managed four more chapters of Ms. Austen’s Pride & Prejudice. I honestly cannot believe that I”m still doing it. Reading, I mean. Somewhere some evil deity really hates me. Must be some righteous Paladin god.

Chapter 4
Basically useless drivel. Yes, Ms. Austen, we all get it: rich and spoiled, that’s what prick Darcy is. Also: girl Jane and rich (and not spoiled) Bingley will shag each other senseless the moment they’re alone together. Not entirely useless then, this chapter.

Chapter 5
More drivel.
More names I will not remember.
And how convincing is it anyway? To be up early in the morning after a feast is neither believable nor acceptable. Would never happen if this were an orc story.

Chapter 6
More social gatherings, still no wild dancing, no drunken misbehaviour. Charlotte Lucas is a very sensible woman: happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance (and ear plugs).
I found myself cheering dear Lizzy. I highly doubt that her course of action will ever procure her a husband which is rather selfish of her. She should think of her poor parents once in a while. But the way she handled that prat Darcy: adorable.
Ah, I see. Darcy has a fling on the side with his friend’s sister. Lazy git. Not even willing to get his ass up to catch a wife. I think maybe he is frigid or something. A male human his age should think of nothing but shagging. Impotent prick. Lacking virility much?

Chapter 7
An army is in town. Finally we’re getting to the fighting action. I was already a bit worried that this book contains nothing but girls seeking husbands.
Hm, no action. I’m beginning to think that female intrigues are way beyond anything my brain can grasp. Faking an illness, faking to care for the sick sister, all very clever in order to get into the men’s house. I will have a word with my wives when I get home. Can’t be that so many things go on in my tent without me knowing about.
Right, this is exhausting. I need a break and will do something orcish. I shall skip the wild dancing though (much to the relief of my human) and go directly for the copious amounts of alcohol.
Oh, drunken bliss.

Read-along part 2

Just in case you forgot which book I’m currently reading: it is Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice. Have not seen much of both so far but… way to go.
So, here are my thoughts on:

Chapter two
Mr. Bennet’s common sense returned just in time. And yet he failed to secure the young man as his son-in-law. Maybe he should have threatened to offer all five girls at once. I assume that would have made Mr. Bingley more willing to pick at least one of them. Mr. Bennet is a weakling. On the other hand, I can perfectly understand that he cherishes a quiet house and doesn’t want to be bothered with such domestic stuff. Shouldn’t that be even more reason for him to press the matter? His wife is much more determined. Maybe the girls eat too much and leave not enough for herself. Also, there is no mention of sons. Why did Mr. Bennet not take more wives in order to get some boys?
My human just informs me that polygamy is not allowed around here. Bugger.

Chapter three
So the girls are not allowed to visit the target by themselves? How stupid a rule is that? They seem eager enough to get out of the house, so by then they could have settled the whole business. The author didn’t think it through, obviously.
Alright, the ball thing sounds like good fun. Wild dancing and lots of alcohol should finally do the trick. But why indoors? That would never leave enough space for the wild dances.
Human just tells me that dancing in Ms. Austen’s world is much more prudish and demure. Don’t they ever have some real fun?
Well, at least Mr. Bingley is entirely hooked and very willing to be trapped once and for all. But his friend, Mr. Darcy, is a prick. Maybe one day an angry god will teach him a lesson and bestow a clawful of daughters on him. Would serve him right. Prick.

Read-along part 1

Chapter One
Obviously. I flipped through the pages and realized to my utter horror that there are more chapters than I can count. And it was such a thin book…
Anyway, chapter one.
I am very much with Mrs. Bennet here. Blessed (or rather cursed) with approximately five daughters myself I can absolutely relate to her problem. That she needs to urge her husband to get rid of the girls makes me wonder about his common sense.
Other than that I am already confused with all the different names. I can hardly remember all the names of my own offspring (often enough I don’t). But I find it highly disturbing that the young man who’s going to live in the neighbourhood is totally oblivious to the dangers awaiting him. On the other hand, had he been warned, Mrs. Bennet wouldn’t stand the slightest chance to burden him with one of her girls.
The strangest thing is this: although it is only written words I feel like I know exactly what Mrs. Bennet’s voice would sound like. And this makes me feel for her husband a bit as well (NOT in a sissy way, shut up!). If her voice hurts only half as much as my wives’ voices hurt in my ears, I can understand why he tries to avoid any form of conversation with her. Quietude is a blessing lost to all of us fathers.
So, if you’ve read this chapter of Pride & Prejudice tell me what you think. I hope you are spared the disturbing images in your mind of orcs in regency dresses. I shall never recover from that.

Book Review?

First of all let me assure you that I’ve never read a single book in my life. Just to make sure that you see I’m not a sissy. I’m an orc, and orcs don’t read books. Ever. Having said that I have to admit that there are exceptions. I watched comrade Noden do it occasionally and found it mildly disturbing how he would totally get absorbed by it, completely ignoring his surroundings. Highly dangerous pastime, reading. His eyes would glaze over in a way they should only ever do when looking at my daughter, his wife. So he fancies books. It took me a while to see his qualities as a clever orc underneath all this sissiness.
Now, thanks to a purely arbitrary act of a god I am capable of reading and writing myself. I find that I still don’t trust the whole bookish stuff but my human convinced me to give it a go. One of the rooms we currently share (alright, I occupy against her will) is filled with an endless number of books. Could be several dozen or hundreds. Remember, I’m not good with numbers. Human insists that it’s just an average number and that there are whole buildings filled with books, called libraries. I’ve heard of those. Where I come from that’s where the wizards go to study. Might have a look at the British Library to find a sorcerer later. For now one room filled with books should suffice. So she suggested I have a look at them and pick one that sounded interesting to me. I didn’t even know where to begin so she started to give me short summaries to narrow it down. Why one writes a long book when it could be summarized with a few words totally escapes me. After about half a dozen plots I got tired of it and picked one randomly (alright, it was the thinnest I could find on the shelf). Human began to laugh hysterically which is never a good sign and made me promise to read it to the last page. I agreed maybe a bit rashly, caught by my vanity. She pointed at the book and remarked how fitting this would be then. I read the words on the cover:

“Pride & Prejudice” by Jane Austen.
Well, that sounded rather promising. There’s nothing wrong with being proud and life is certainly full of prejudices, which are quite useful when dealing with other races. I mean where would we be without all the drivel about elves and dwarves? It provides endless entertainment around the campfires. Also the alternative would be to actually speak to them. I mean, seriously?
So, pride: good, prejudice: good. I began to like the book, even though a female auther was a bit dissappointing. What do they know that could be of interest to me? Still, I had high hopes for my only ever reading experience. Well, relatively speaking. I would have had much higher hopes if she had suggested a raid of the Tower of London.
As I have not the slightest idea how one is to comment on a book while reading it I will just share my personal thoughts with you as I proceed through the text. Don’t expect too much though, thinking still feels rather unnatural to me.
Oh, if you have not read this book, this whole business is probably not of interest to you. How dare you nod your head right now? Go, read the book, then come back. Or read it along with me and tell me what you think. If I can do it, so can you. Hehe.

In the Abyss part 8

(contains everything)
You know, I had some experience with teleporting (which I will never accept as an appropriate means of transport for an orc). But the tearing and pulling and the gut-wrenching we had to suffer when we touched that blue thread was beyond bearable. It did the trick though, and we all dropped out of nowhere and into the corridor between the hall with the eight doors and the muddy puddle with the black dragon. Groisch was there, staring at us with his mouth wide open (a normal sight). Moments later, the imp, Kiba and Roxas appeared as well. Problem: the door between the corridor and the room with the eight doors was gone. So, no escaping the dragon this time. We decided to face the beast like orcs. Well, the dark elves and the other creatures amongst us probably didn’t. We circled the puddle and waited. The holy symbol of our god on the wall began to glow, our god was with us (or loved watching our demise). The dragon was not very impressed by this display of divine intervention and the fight began.
Very quickly (and painfully so) we realized that normal weapons wouldn’t do it any harm. Magical weapons we did have but only for melee combat. In order to get close enough to hit we were also close enough to be hit. A fact which I learned the hard way when the dragon’s tail smashed me against the wall. Noden threw fireballs at the ceiling, stalactites raining down on the beast and did at least some damage. The dragon got into a spin and attacked me again. Someone fired arrows at it, hitting me instead. I blame Vorn but I have no proof. Slaag hurried to my aid but the dragon vomitted his acid all over him. Noden, Groisch, Slaag and me fought hard to gain at least some ground. Where were the bloody dark elves? Groisch and Slaag fell into the water (a familiar sensation, remember?), I could finally deal some damage to the beast, Noden missed more often than hit the dragon with his fireballs but on the plus-side he missed us as well. We dearly hoped that our god appreciated the effort if not the immediate success. Which there wasn’t.
When even Noden had to take an enormous amount of damage, Vorn finally decided to join in. As a direct response the dragon vomitted all over him. Slaag and Groisch climbed out of the puddle which seemed to distract the beast so I (I!) managed to chop its head of. More or less. Vorn posed with one foot placed on the the dragon’s head as if to claim victory but let’s face it: the dark elves had been sissies in this fight. Slaag and Groisch had proved once more to be excellent swimmers. And only Noden and I had rocked the puddle, so to say.
(warning: orgy incoming)
After a short period of recovery we had a look around. Noden discovered something shiny in the water. Groisch, realizing that he hadn’t exactly covered himself in glory here, jumped right in and grabbed it. It was a heart-shaped stone and after touching it he couldn’t let it go again. Instead he was capable of breathing under water and was gone the next moment. Bugger. Only then did we all realize that the water level began to sink. So we all got into the water and touched the heart-shaped stones. Darkness, a pulse, our god patting our backs (I dearly hoped it meant we did alright), opening our eyes: We were back on the field where we had gathered to resurrect Groisch. And lo and behold! He opened his eyes and was immediately mounted by his wife Gremmi. All the orcs, dark elves, kobolds, goblins etc got into a frenzy and a massive orgy was what followed. Of course we all joined in. I somehow remember Kiba and Vorn getting very cosy with each other but I did my best to delete that memory. I assume that this ferocious display of interspecies intercourse is of no interest to you or remotely something you’d like to read about in any detail. I couldn’t advise it, anyway.