Tag Archives: orcs don’t read books

Thrakbog vs. literature

Thrakbog: What do you mean, there is no magic in it? It is called “The Magic Mountain”!

She-human: It is indeed. But no magic, sorry.

Thrakbog: That’s cheating. Why? WHY?

She-human: That is actually a question a lot of people would like to ask the author.

Thrakbog: And?

She-human: He’s dead.

Thrakbog: So what? Get a necromancer and resurrect him.

She-human: Good god, no!

Thrakbog: I want to know why he called it The Magic Mountain when there is no bloody bit of magic in it! Not even a miserable wizard? An old hag? Any supernatural stuff would fucking do.

She-human: Language, Thrakbog, Language!

Thrakbog: Oh, piss off.

She-human: Would you like to sleep on the balcony for the next couple of weeks? It looks a lot like rain, I must say. But then again, orcs like to live rough, don’t they?

Thrakbog: Um, well …, alright, just tell me about that fu… pseudo-magic mountain-guy.

She-human: Well, the main character has some weird dreams.

Thrakbog: Oh, good. Juicy? Wild?

She-human: Strange would describe them more accurately.

Thrakbog: But strange is good, right? It could mean orcish in some way.

She-human: Um, no. I rather doubt that.

Thrakbog: Is there at least an old wizard’s tower on that mountain? Maybe he just deserted it and on his return the magic will be back too.

She-human: Your optimism does you credit but that is not going to happen. Actually there is a sanatorium on that mountain where people stay if they can’t breathe properly.

Thrakbog: You must be kidding.

She-human: I’m afraid not.

Thrakbog: So it’s shit! And no, I don’t mind my language at all!

She-human: You might have a point there. But it is a highly acclaimed novel.

Thrakbog: You mean like the teacup-fighting-soldiers-novel about Prick Darcy and dear Lizzy?

She-human: That had a lasting impression on you, hm?

Thrakbog: I’m still suffering from constipation after having swallowed it.

She-human: You really shouldn’t have done that. Books are for reading, not eating.

Thrakbog: Well, I’m definitely not reading or eating that fake magic thingy.

She-human: What would you like to read then?

Thrakbog: Must I really? I am an orc. It is so unnatural.

She-human: It was part of our agreement.

Thrakbog: Sticking to an agreement is rather unorcish as well.

She-human: Boo hoo.

Thrakbog: Alright, alright. So give me something gritty and grim.

She-human: So, Dickens it is.

Thrakbog: What the …?

She-human: Dickens. Exactly.

Thrakbog: Well, I hope it is at least short.

She-human:

___________________________

Of course we were discussing this famous drivel:

The_Magic_Mountain_(novel)_coverart

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What does he have that I don’t?

I am jealous. I’d say I am green with envy, but that would be an insult to my beautiful green skin. So, what happened? Gather round, folks, and hear me complain (again).

My human has found some other creature to occupy her time. But of all possible species why did she have to choose a troll? A dwarf would have been embarrassing, an elf would certainly have been ridiculous. But a troll? How humiliating is that? Let me tell you about this Alois guy.
Continue reading What does he have that I don’t?

Criminal Orc

I came upon something very strange. Not for the first time, you say? Right. Must have to do with the fact that I’m still living with a human being. There’s always something strange to detect.
murdering orcRecently my human made me participate in a game of crime and detection. She left me in no doubt that I was a complete disappointment to her when it came to solving the puzzle. First of all I did not see any reason why a murder needs to be solved at all. Dead person is dead. What’s the point?
Also, there were a lot of other passengers on the train, what about them? Alright, alright, it was part of the game to be the first to solve the riddle. But surely neither she nor you could seriously expect me to be that one?
Humans have a great weakness: the overwhelming need to know. This causes all sorts of problems as is easy to see. A question arises? They will not rest until they found an answer. And not any answer would do, oh no, it has to be the right answer.

That is – you might have guessed already – not the orcish way. Continue reading Criminal Orc

Thrakbog goes to Hollywood. Or maybe not.

Sounds like a musical, actually.Thrakbog goes to Hollywood

Now I have a picture in my head of a row of dancing orcs in tutus, smiling brightly as they sing a happy tune. I got to throw up any second now. Here’s what caused this odd string of thoughts (and I use the word ‘thoughts’ quite loosely): Continue reading Thrakbog goes to Hollywood. Or maybe not.

A conspiracy of …, I don’t even know

Something very odd is going on. Let me explain.
My current she-human and the one I stayed with in London obviously share an interest in a certain story. If I may remind you of a series of posts a while ago, you’ll see what I mean.
The story is called Pride & Prejudice and my human in London made me read the book. It was the first time ever that I read anything other than tracks of monsters. And it didn’t end well, as I ate that book halfway through (when Prick Darcy proposed to Lizzy Bennet). Continue reading A conspiracy of …, I don’t even know