Year’s End

She-human informed me that today the year ends. She also told me that the name of this year is 2014. How boring can you actually be? Chronological numbers? Seriously? And believe me, I’m not complaining because I can’t count to that number (not even close). It’s simply unimaginative.
Not so where I come from:

In my world years are named after dramatic incidents or important personalities. Of course that means one year can have several names, depending on where you are in my world or which race you belong to. For example that one year the elves of the north named “Year of the Silver Hail” because something went very wrong at the silver-mining site in the mountains. In my tribe that same year was named “Year of the Raid on Smoke Tree Hill”. What fun we had. I remember it with delight. Another year the dwarves in the area knew as the “Year of the Great Stink” which was known to us as the “Year of Cheesy Pus”. I know what you think. And you are right.
Then there was the “Year of the Purple Fungus Plague” which also became known as the “Year of the Orc Flood” to the villages around our camp.
Sometimes an incident was so impressive that all the races chose the same name like the “Year of the Five Dragons”. Wow, that was dramatic. Only in the very last moment we renamed it to “Year of the Golden Poo” and guess who made the day?

So, 2014 is an absolute no-go. We must reconsider, and we must do it quickly. In fact, there can only be one answer: “Year of the Arrival of the Orc”, or in case there is any doubt who that orc could be:
“Year of Thrakbog the Slaughterer”. Actually you could just name every year after me because in this world I am incomparable and therefore – naturally – superiour, what with me being an orc and all that.
See? Wasn’t so difficult, was it?

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Boromir is dead. I did not do it.

Once and for all: I am not guilty of murdering Boromir. Get a grip, humans.
Ahem. Forgive the emotional outbreak. I am really sick of it. I mean, I slaughtered countless creatures for which you could blame me and I would gladly take credit. But this one I didn’t do. From the day I arrived in this world people on the street kept accusing me of finishing him and also asked me about this Sauron guy. I had hoped it would end when I left London but that was obviously a mistake. So I asked she-human about it and instead of explaining it herself she showed it to me on the telly. It took me days to get through the whole thing. Clearly a work of fantasy. Let me tell you a few things about this Lord of the Rings and his minions:

1. the sugary sweet life of the halflings is simply disgusting. Don’t believe it! The little bastards are mean creatures.

2. Orcs are not bred in pits! That is ridiculous. We shag the hell out of each other, just like every other race. Yes, I know about eggs and pollination, but orcs are neither birds nor tulips. Any race that has some pride only reproduces via sex, right? (The fact that many orcs lose that pride while courting a female is quite another matter and does not belong here.)

3. No orc with some self-esteem would ever serve a guy like Sauron. He is all about orders and unconditional following. Seriously? Orcs love their freedom. They roam the lands, they pillage and burn. What they never do is march in columns, as a unified army with strict rules, in line, in step. Never. I mean, my comrades and I once joined a unified army (It was led by a half-dragon who was a lot more badass than this Sauron). But even then we were at liberty to handle things the orcish way. This whole notion of an organized orcish army led by a lidless eye is ridiculous.

4. Mordor is shit. Seriously. Why would anyone want to live there, evil overlord or not? Orcs go hunting. In Mordor nothing really lives that could be hunted.

5. If it were real, the whole of Middle Earth would be populated by orcs. Obviously human population had been on the decline due to previous wars (and we can surely ignore the remnants of the dwarven and elven races). So any race shagging like rabbits would sooner or later outnumber those few humans. See point No. 2 for further reference.

6. Only three wizards in the whole world? Here was clearly the wish the father of the thought. If you imagine an ideal world why put any wizards in it at all? If your imagined world is not ideal, make the wizards more like a proper enemy not like geriatric humans.

7. The existence of the Uruk-hai is highly questionable but they are a real looker, I give you that. No doubt they’re of orcish origin. I would not mind at all if Lurtz were to join our happy band of warriors.

8. Boromir’s death was done rather beautifully. I can see why humans still brag on and on about that. Accept it, he’s dead. Admirably slaughtered by the superiour race.

9. This whole ring-business is odd to say the least. I have come upon magic rings in my life more than once. But to be honest they were more of a nuisance than anything else. So to have one ring that runs the world is not very likely, is it? Also, rings are not renowned for being even remotely clever or violent so they need minions. This Sauron guy created a ring that in the end ruled over him like over everyone else? Stupid him. But then, he chose to live in Mordor.

Uhm, number after 9. I really wouldn’t mind to pay an extended visit to Middle Earth. I’d love to see Moria and the White City. Imagine what a small band of independent and competent orcs could do to the land? And I would certainly go and get this Aragorn guy with the many names for beheading poor Lurtz.

She-human has a very detailed map of this Middle Earth. I find it difficult to grasp the idea that such a map should exist when the whole land is a piece of fiction. So maybe she’s wrong (she’s only human after all) and I can really go there. For now, I’m studying the map, envisioning myself in all those places that could be so much like home.

One other thing: there is a remarkable lack of female creatures in that world. Maybe that is the biggest problem after all. How are they supposed to survive? Anyway, the inhabitants of that world are no match for proper orcs. And I did not kill Boromir. I would have toyed with him much longer. Take him home for the kids to play with for a while. But kudos to Lurtz for the beautiful slaughtering.

Christmas? Vampires? I’m confused.

Humans are stupid. It borders on a miracle that this species made it so far. That, or there are no real vampires in this world. But then why do humans believe in their existence? I had a somewhat irritating discussion (whenever I use the word ‘discussion’ consider it a battle of yelling) with she-human about the matter. We seemed to agree and not agree at the same time which is definitely too much to grasp for my poor little brain.

She has the odd habit of playing games where she pretends to be someone else but it is not the same as the humans in the theaters do (or so she says). It is called ‘role playing game’. In one of those games she pretended to be a vampire. She agreed with me that those are nasty buggers but also insisted that they do NOT exist in real life. I know for sure that they do, but maybe not in this world. The question remains how do humans know about vampires at all if they never existed around here? And how come they have such a wrong picture of those creatures? Trust me, they do NOT glitter. Ever. Except maybe if they fell into a decorated christmas tree. Which is not very likely. I might be able to imagine a situation where that could happen but not to such an amount that it caused reason to believe it made the whole species permanently glitter. You get my meaning. The thing is: if I understand that, how come humans don’t? Only possible answer: humans are stupid (see above) and – all together now – orcs are superiour.

Also there is the fact that in my world vampires are by no means ridiculous or sexy. They are evil in the worst sense of the word, meaning that they’re not even fun to have as an adversary. Blood, blood, blood, is all that matters. Horrid addicts with no sense of humour whatsoever. They put up a good fight and to be honest, in a battle one on one, I would not put my money on the orc (not that I would ever put any money literally ON anyone). Only very few creatures could stand up to a vampire and live to tell the tale. Good thing they usually hunt alone. Orcs never do. It’s the genius of the masses that wins the day. Yes, you heard me right, orcs do in fact have swarm intelligence. How else do you think could our species ever survive? We overrun the enemy if they’re stupid enough not to escape immediately.

While I was still ‘discussing’ the matter she-human went pale and smacked herself in the face. Rather charming I have to confess, although I prefer to do the smacking myself. So I inquired the reason for such odd behaviour. She explained that in those role playing games she not only pretended to be a vampire but also a dwarf (which I found disgusting) and an orc! I had to sit down right then. It was a very special moment for both of us (I see her becoming Mrs. Thrakbog No. 5 – at least I think it’s No. 5.) But her reason for going pale was rather less pleasurable. She played an orc and woops- here I am, a creature she never assumed would exist. What if the vampires then…? You get it. Hehe. So if I got through a portal into this world why not a vampire? And then my idea of a christmas tree-glittery vampire will become reality. I am a prophet. Very much into the christmas spirit, ain’t I?

Of diamonds and poo

Still no change in the weather. She-human promised that there will be snow sooner or later. I really hope she is aware of my ignorance when it comes to delayed gratification. I want snow. Now. I don’t think I’ve ever been so depressed by rain before. Even going out for a gluehwein or a rabbit hunt isn’t fun in this weather. So in order to keep my mind engaged (and off the contents of the fridge) she-human reads me stories. I cannot bring myself to do the reading. Still burping up irregular verbs now and then.

So I hear stories about poor kids, freezing in the cold streets of London. It’s madey-uppy, obviously. The weather was great while I was in London. I assume she-human is trying to get rid of me by telling me about far away places with lots of snow. So maybe even this Yeti thingy is not true. I’m gonna stay here. It’s a warm and dry place which is all I want right now.
In one of the stories she read to me some human fed a diamond to a goose in order to hide the gem. Then he got into trouble when someone else bought and ate said goose. What bugged me was the fact that this someone found the gem when slicing the bird. Surely in an orcish version he would have found it a few hours later, if at all, in his poo. Slicing a bird in order to eat it. How sissy is that? On the other hand, that guy who found out all about the matter was really smart. Made me wonder why someone so brainy would spend his time with such trivial matters instead of being an evil overlord. Perhaps I should find him and make him take on my case of the lost orc.

She-human just informed me that this Sherlock guy never existed. See? That is the problem with you humans. Excuses, excuses, excuses. So I’m gonna try it myself, this deduction thingy. Call me Thrakbog Holmes.

Winter isn’t coming

Winter in kraut-land is lame. Seriously, I don’t think it deserves the word winter at all. There might be other parts of this land where things are different, but right here in East-Westphalia it does nothing but rain. I went out into the woods to find some entertainment, maybe a monster to hunt, but there wasn’t any. Some rabbits, that’s it. Got wet and muddy feet and consequently into trouble when I came home.

How different things were back home. I remember that one time when me and my comrades went out into the wild to hunt a beast. It was deep and dark winter, in fact it was so cold that the snot dripping from our noses froze. We went up high into the mountains because we assumed to find one of those giant beasts we call ice dragon. I’m sure some mad scientist (aren’t they all?) or wizard calls them something posh like Glacialis Draconis. I might have overheard a conversation where this came up. I could not possibly know this all by myself. I’m an orc, for Gruumsh’s sake! On the other hand living with a human might improve my cognitive abilities. I have no idea what I am talking about right now. So maybe there’s some hope left for me to remain an orc through and through. I’m driveling.

So, ice dragons. Nasty buggers. They are slightly duller than your usual chromatic dragon but luckily very evil and never contemplate whether eating their prey makes sense. That way they’re more fun to hunt. Discussion is pointless and unwanted. I think that way both sides get a fair chance to win the game. Not that I could care at all about fairness. But in a battle of brawn vs. brain the odds are a bit unbalanced. Imagine an orc interbreeding with a dragon. Very pleasing thought, actually. Problem is, they’re hard to find if they take a slumber, what with being white as snow and all that. So instead, we stumbled upon an ice golem which was fun to destroy. It shattered prettily in thousands of icy shards. Not that I counted them, but Noden said so and I had no reason to doubt him. On the downside ice golems have the ability to shock-freeze their opponents which is a bit disconcerting. Especially when being attacked by said golem the next moment. But as always I could rely on my comrades to kick Frosty in the metaphorical nuts.

She-humans tells me there is a mythical creature called Yeti which might be fun to hunt. Perhaps I will take a little trip to wherever that creature lives.