Now I have a picture in my head of a row of dancing orcs in tutus, smiling brightly as they sing a happy tune. I got to throw up any second now. Here’s what caused this odd string of thoughts (and I use the word ‘thoughts’ quite loosely): Continue reading Thrakbog goes to Hollywood. Or maybe not.
I had a terrible nightmare. And I cannot possibly find words to express my relief that it wasn’t real.
Here’s what happened:
Last evening she-human and I had a lengthy discussion (no yelling, just plain talking) about different tastes in music and she told me about her fancying a boy group when she was a teenager. I had no idea what she meant so she showed me pictures and videoclips of several groups of young humans (presumably male, though I’m not so sure, and neither were they, obviously) in very colourful clothes and of questionable musical talent.
So far so good (or bad).
Continue reading Thrakbog, the boy band
…or as my human put it: mimimi!
Already you begin to see the problem, right?
Yes. I feel neglected.
Lately, my human spends most of her time learning stuff about social networks. When I told her, that I could teach her everything there is to know about it she laughed hysterically. Apparently I have just scratched the iceberg. But I’m not sure whether that iceberg is my human or the amount of knowledge about social media one could gain. How any of this could possibly be related to icebergs at all quite excapes me.
Still, I feel neglected.
I went outside and tried to find pleasure in doing orcish things. For a while it worked, I played capture-the-flag. There’s a lot of flags around here, all sorts of flags. Some with black, red and golden stripes, others with a strange blue emblem on a white background (she-human says it’s the flag of the local football (i.e. soccer) team, the Arminia). That tribe seems to be a bit more fun than the average human. When I took down the black-red-golden flags, no one bothered. But with the blue-white one it got better: some guys tried to stop me, even ran after me. Only when I showed them my impressive… (I leave it to your imagination what it was that impressed them, hehe), did they stop coming after me, Now I have a nice little collection of flags. It was entertaining for a bit, but not for very long.
So, I still feel neglected.
When I look down from the balcony of my human’s flat I see a few cats. They live in my neigbourhood. And I am not allowed to hunt them. They know that. So, they look up to me standing there, and I can definitely spot an evil grin on their face.
Now I feel humiliated.
Don’t you think that ‘mimimi’ is a rather harmless and civilized reaction to all this? Next, they’ll tell me I have to pay taxes…
P.S. She-human says that there is indeed a tax called ‘Vergnuegungssteuer’. You are taxed for having some fun. Could anything be more depressing?
In my last post I announced to write something about orc erotica. My human suggested to try something else first, in order to provide less disgusting content. I don’t see what’s wrong about being disgusting, I am an orc after all. But here we go (the juicy stuff is only postponed, trust me).
So, in order to find something more blog-worthy I used a topic generator. I had to add three words into it and it would provide me with five new and interesting topics. So far so good. Naturally I used the following three words:
1. What will orcs be like in a 100 years?
2. Why we love cats (and you should, too).
3. 10 quick tips about hunger.
4. 20 myths about orcs.
5. 10 signs you should invest in cats.
Isn’t it great? Of course my human complained that I should have used other words, something more sensible. You know, sometimes I wonder if she is fully aware of who/what I am.
I did spent an unreasonable amount of time playing with the generator, I can only recommend it, it’s great fun.
To actually write about the above mentioned topics proved to be far more difficult, as you might have expected. To be honest, I don’t think I could answer the question about orc development in the next hundred years, mostly because I have no idea how much a hundred really is.
To be advised to love cats, well, nothing so easy. To write about it…, hm. What could I say that wouldn’t upset my human again?
Topic No 3 correlates a lot with the cat loving theme, but I can already see the blood pressure rising on she-humans face.
To blog about orc myths is a very nice suggestion but I am already working on my book about orcs, so I shouldn’t get ahead of myself there.
Which leaves topic No 5. Is it a coincidence that they mention 10 tips about hunger and then ask for 10 signs to invest in cats? I don’t think so.
But I believe my human is already on her way to take away my writing device (it’s her’s, to be honest), so this has to wait for another occasion. Or never.
The title holds true in so many ways. As in:
- Don’ think that I’m gone. I was just enjoying the sunny weather around here.
- Don’t think you could trust the human whose home you’ve occupied. It’s a difficult relationship to say the least.
- Don’t think at all. Makes a lot of things a lot easier. But that is something humans tend to forget. Which is somewhat confusing.
Anyway, I came to tell you about something that has struck my mind recently (which is in itself an occurrance of almost divine proportions):
It seems humans try to betray each other, which is one of their more admirable traits. In order to do so, they created something they call ‘secret service’. As is appears, they have lots of those.
Some of them are in fact so secret, that people seem to forget they exist at all. Different tribes have different services for secret purposes (the sausage people call theirs BND, others – which I have not met yet – call it NSA, she-human tells me there are a lot more). These services spy on each other, on other people in general, basically they collect data about everthing and everyone. She-human says it’s the sole purpose of these services.
This caused some kerfuffle (I really like that word).
The question is, why.
Leader of tribe kraut says it’s not nice to be spied upon by friends.
Next thing: kraut service did know about the spying and did it too.
Let me remind you of the sole purpose of these services. (Look it up above, I’m not repeating it here)
What’s the fuss all about? They did what they were supposed to do. Had the leader of krauts forgotten about it? Possibly. As I said, humans seem to forget a lot because they attempt to think so much. It’s overstraining the brain. The one real trick to effectively disable these services is very orcish indeed: don’t think. If you do not think anything, what is there to spy on? Surely these services have no interest in the stuff I do. If I am wrong and they do indeed spy on me, I say hi! Here’s what I do these days, in case you secret spy-humans care to know:
- hunt a cat and have a lengthy discussion about it with my human. Again.
- do some research on orc poo. Lengthy discussion etc, see above
- write on my scientific paper on the history of orcs
- yell at the device called telly
- blogging (even the least secret of all services should have found out about that, right?)
- tweeting (I’ve negletcted my little blue bird recently, though)
- being altogether annyoing and a real pain in the arse for my human (I have a reputation, you know!)
- reading orc erotica online (will blog about that soon)
Anything that is of interest to you spy-humans? Feel free to be secretive or servicable about it or whatever it is you usually do with the data you gather. But be aware that you alone have to deal with the damage these images do to your brains. Brings me back to the beginning: Don’t think.