I have been pushed into this world. Yes, a capricious deity did it, just for fun. Nothing wrong with that, mind you. But being at the receiving end of such entertainment feels a bit humiliating. Now I’m here, trying to get along with all these weird human things you do.
Recently a few fellow humans of my flat-mate asked me a couple of questions. I deemed it only polite to answer them. (Yes, I know, politeness is so unorcish, it almost hurts. This just shows you how low I sank since my arrival a year ago).
So here we go:
- How old are you?
I am 30 years old, at least that’s what others told me. I have a bit of a problem with numbers larger than 10. In an orcish society that is pretty old and I have to be aware of the younger and stronger ones who might want to get rid of me. So far I could prove them to be very wrong about my waning strength. Hehe.
- Where do you live?
Normally I live with my family and comrades in the north-eastern region of my world, but currently I’m sharing a flat with a she-human in her world, in the town of Bielefeld to be more precise. That is in kraut-land, where people eat a lot of sausages and bread. As they also drink quite a lot of beer I get along with them nicely. Well, more or less. It could be worse. For them.
- What’s your motivation to blog?
To be honest I had no choice. I was pushed into this world by a capricious god and he – she/it/something else altogether – made me do it (the blogging, remember?). Before that I wasn’t even able to read or write, which was the way I preferred my life, what with being a barbarian and all that. But when the gods have got you by the balls there’s not much you can do about it but obey. So, I blog as if my life depended on it. Which it probably does.
- What’s your profession?
I’m a warrior through and through. A barbarian at heart, it is my destination to battle my way through life.
- What’s your favourite food?
Anything with a heartbeat, to be honest. But recently I learned to appreciate cooked food that my human prepares for herself. Except spaghetti. Those are tough. She-human set up one of her many rules for me never to eat them again. You should have seen the living room afterwords. Hehe. In fact, I’m so fond of human-style food, that I consider creating some orcish recipes and publish them on my blog.
- Where do you sleep?
Right now I occupy the balcony which is just fine because I find it difficult to sleep indoors. Normally I share a tent with my countless wives and kids. Never a moment of silence, I assure you. Right now I’m quite content.
- What’s your preferred gymnastics?
I’m sure you mean sports, right? Actually there is what we call the Glorious Games, an orcish Heptathlon, and I’ve blogged about it previously.
- What’s your favourite book?
I never thought that I might ever be able to answer that question truthfully but I read a book, once. Well, I read it half-way. Then I ate it. It was ‚Pride & Prejudice‘ by a female human named Austen. My former she-human in London made me read it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Traumatising experience. Highly unorcish.
- What about your love-life?
Satisfactory, is all I can say. I am highly potent. My virility has never been questioned. Ask my four wives. On second thoughts: don‘t. You’d regret it.
- How do you like to celebrate? Loud or reflective?
Only humans can ask questions like that. For a truly orcish creature there is only one way to do it. A celebration is no celebration at all when you are not as loud as possible. You sleep where you fall and start it all over again the moment you wake up. An orc’s life should consist mostly of such celebrations.
- What’s your slogan of life/your motto?
Hmmmm, that is a very difficult question. Perhaps this: if you can’t explain a thing with three stones it’s too complicated for an orc. You don’t have to understand this, it is a very orcish attitude. Just admire the simplicity of the idea.
- What do you like particularly (philosophically)?
My human had to explain to me what philosophical means, but there you go:
The quiet ease in my head when I’m scouting unknown territory with my fellow comrades.
- What do you hate (see above)?
When my large family disturbs said quietude.
- What’s your faith? What do you believe in?
I believe in my magically pimped axe, my orcish pride and the power of the gods who push me around like nobody’s business. Like the Bard used to say: „As flies to wanton boys are we to th’ gods. They kill us for their sport.“ And yes, I blame humans for the frightening fact that I occasionally quote this Shakesey guy. I also burp irregular verbs now and then. Reading books does that to orcs, apparently. It’s disgusting.