Tag Archives: doomed by vanity

An orcish Valentine

I’m in trouble.
Nothing new there, you might say. And right you are. Still, this is some form of trouble I would never have expected to find myself in.
Gather round, I tell you.

As I bustled through the internet this morning I came to the realization that today is apparently a special day that everyone seems to be excited about. Having learned my lesson never to ignore my human’s natural habits, I did some research. Sadly enough I found a lot about this guy called Valentine, but it was rather vague and it turned out he didn’t even exist at all. I also learned that people give each other little presents, especially in the form of hearts. Guess what happened next.

After my human had chased me out of the house for presenting her a dog’s heart (okay, I had already nibbled on it a bit) I tried to make amends by singing under the balcony. Soon enough I was accompanied by a number of cats. Knowing better than to catch one of them and throw it onto the balcony as a token of my devotion, I heroically ignored their juicy flesh and kept singing. When a vase painfully hit my head I considered to buy steal (there is some dignity left in me) some flowers.

Being kindly let back into the flat I then decided to really make an effort. I polished my tusks and varnished my Toenail of Doom. Never having handled lacquer before I spilled some of it. Perhaps it’s the colour that didn’t go well with my human. I mean, rotting green doesn’t really become her, to be honest. But instead of appreciating the effort I am now banished to the balcony. Again. Guess what? It just started raining.

Piss off, Valentine!

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A short meeting of evil overlords (or so they think)

who is the overlord hereHm, I thought you would be bigger. Also, your outfit looks a bit dull and impractical, Darthy. You sure you want to keep it?
By the way, ‘Darthy’ sounds a lot like ‘Dorothy’. Hell of a name for an evil overlord.
Vader? Like short for ‘invader’? Yeah, good start, Darthy. Short you are, so why not your name as well? Good thinking.
Oh, you might want to do something about your breathing. Sounds terribly unhealthy.
Let’s cheer the trooper a bit, shall we?  I heard about this mission…

A conspiracy of …, I don’t even know

Something very odd is going on. Let me explain.
My current she-human and the one I stayed with in London obviously share an interest in a certain story. If I may remind you of a series of posts a while ago, you’ll see what I mean.
The story is called Pride & Prejudice and my human in London made me read the book. It was the first time ever that I read anything other than tracks of monsters. And it didn’t end well, as I ate that book halfway through (when Prick Darcy proposed to Lizzy Bennet). Continue reading A conspiracy of …, I don’t even know

Chancellor Thrakbog

Hunting in the grassI think I might run a campaign to become the next chancellor of the people of the sausage tribe. Why shouldn’t I, right?

They had their ‘Frauenquote’, now it’s about time they get the ‘Orkquote’ which would be the logical next step in human stupidity, called political correctness.
But to be honest I can envison myself, quite cheerfully accepting a bunch of flowers after elections, eating them or throwing them in the face of some surprised human. Yes, that would be fun, wouldn’t it?

First I would make sure I get all the campaign contributions, meaning tax money will be thrown my way and I don’t have to visit The Agency. So instead of sucking all the money out of one human, a whole country would then pay for my living. Excellent.
Next, I would get myself lots of campaign advisers, consultants and coordinators, just in case something went wrong. I could yell at them, throw things at them, kick them out and have a really good time while doing so.
And if nothing goes wrong I will become chancellor and then I can do whatever I want anyway. Not that I don’t do that right now already. But there’s a difference in quality, I’m sure. There has to be.
I would travel around sausage land in several forms of tin, perhaps a metal band would accompany me, which would make my campaign appearances much more entertaining. Drinking contests, bar brawls, mayhem in strip clubs, all of this would further my reputation as a really good sport.
People will love or hate me, either way they would vote for me. If they don’t I start an uprising of the stupid masses.
I know a lot about that, trust me. Most of the time I am a stupid mass and I raise myself up almost every morning. Consider me qualified.
So, Chancellor Thrakbog. How does that sound? Lame, actually. Emperor would be so much better. But it’s a start. In the end it might have a ring to it that says Evil Overlord.

And now I’m gonna muse about all the things I would change as soon as I am in charge. Free beer for all sausage people. They have a high tolerance for alcohol I was told. Could be fun then to play ‘last man standing’. In the end it would probably be a she-human, only because they insist on their bloody Frauenquote.

Orcs’ Progress

It just dawned on me that I might safely boast to be the only orc proficient with social networks. Okay, it always depends on how you define proficieny but I think I’m doing rather well, Given the fact that I had been illiterate when I arrived in this world. That brings me to the question how I could use this newly gained knowledge after my return home. She-human tells me the little device I’m currently using will be utterly pointless in my own world as long as no one invented electricity, the internet or four-layered toilet paper.
I very much appreciate the latter but cannot see the connection to my blogging device. She insists that it matters though. I have to admit that I frequent the room named bath a lot while tweeting so maybe that’s what she meant.
The matter of electricity though, hm, I’m sure it can be substituted by magic somehow. Noden will know.
Anyway, the problem remains how to harness this new ability at home. Social networking in itself is such a foreign thing to my fellow orcs that I must be prepared to face some violent arguments. Nothing wrong with that, mind you, but I never really took any trouble convincing anyone of anything they did not wish to know. In this case I might find it worth my time to go through a lot of trouble. First of all I need to abduct one of the humans that invented the whole shit and take him/her/it/whatever with me. Next I have to make sure said person lives long enough to invent the stuff in my world again. This could prove fairly difficult. But imagine the advantages to be gained! Orcs being able to communicate all over my world! Finally we would prove that we are indeed superior. To be honest the social part of the networking thing might get the short end of the stick but that’s not unexpected, right? There is a drawback thought that gives me pause. Imagine my wives constantly being able to contact their families, relatives, lots of other females? Also, the devices surely need some improvement, especially concering their outdoor durability. Orcs like to live rough, the device wouldn’t last a single day under such conditions. Also the device would need armor. Battle proof.
But what I’m really looking forward to is this: downloading orc music. Heavy Metal bands, we practically invented them but so far only humans profit from it. I want progress in my world, too. Access to the internet should be a basic orcish right.