Gather round, folks, I gotta tell you a story of how I discovered an adventurous dungeon underneath the house in which I currently live with my human. Speaking of said human, I suspect she wanted to keep all the fun to herself, which is why she never told me about this dungeon. Ha! Gotcha.
So, on this fine and not very sunny day I went down into the basement in order to explore. Doing this without my fellow orcs is a new experience but I take what I get.
And here I am.
I just arrived at the bottom of a ladder that someone had left there for my own convenience. Thanks, lad.
I was turning towards a dark tunnel. As you can see, the passage was getting very narrow. I am a tall, proud orc. Crawling is not gonna happen with me. Ever.
When all of a sudden I was knee to face with a tiny little fellow. Greenish, noisy and far too courageous for his own good. So, basically he reminded me a lot of my offspring. Only, this one was a goblin. I know, our species are somewhat related but he was far too annoying and our conversation was short and painful. I told him to bugger off and he shot me with his arrow. Annoying AND painful. Naturally, I had to kill him.
I turned around to look for a different route when a purple drow appeared out of nowhere (I think he spawned on the mushrooms, not sure about that though) and pointed his saber at me. I think he might have demanded all my property, which is ridiculous (not my property, but him demanding it). The discussion that followed was similarly short and painful to the one with the goblin archer. Ghastly beasts. All of them.
It was marvelous.
Or so I thought. Until I heard some squeaky noises behind me. Another nasty goblin appeared, this one trying to attack me with nothing but a dagger! I mean … how humiliating is that? I am a proper orc! Can’t you at least come up with something less meeky, dungeon master? Actually, don’t answer that. I learned how to use rectal-, rethal-, rehearsical questions from my human.
Never mind. I’m getting a bit confused now. Where was I?
Oh, yes. Uni-colored monsters. Flat-footed. Me, not them. Damn.
It was a rather painful experience, for all of us, but in the end I showed them where Barthel gets his cider. Don’t ask. I don’t understand that either. But my human insists that this is a typical saying in the southern part of krautland and I simply like the sound of it.
Not wanting to enter the area with volcanic activity (makes you wonder, why my human built a house on a volcano, but that’s a whole different matter for another time), I turned back to where I had started and moved on from there. I didn’t get very far though when I heard some shrill howling behind me. Turning around, I had to face the ghastly sight (and sound) of a hypnotic spirit that tried to overcome me with its horrible howl. Horrible howl. Horrible howl. That actually has a very pleasant ring to it.
My human calls this allip-, ality-, laceration, something.
Saying the name of the beast is a lot more fun than facing the real thing, believe me. So, I had to slaughter it. Because that’s what I do.
Being somehow deafened by the encounter I had to rely on my keen eyes a little more and accidently stumbled upon a secret tunnel. Guess what happened next?
Exactly. I hopped into it, got safely through the secret tunnel, climed out and …
… was surrounded by even more creatures of the underdark. Honestly, if this had been underneath our house all this time, why, oh why, oh why did my human never let me get down here to play? I would have been a lot less annoying towards her. (No, I wouldn’t have. But don’t tell her.)
See? Another of those unhappy spritits appeared, a twin brother of the now dead goblin with a dagger (which was probably pretty angry that I killed his sibling) and a cute little saurus-like fellow, a hunting drake. Oh, what fun we had. Well, not exactly. But I felt great again. Wait, where have I heard that a lot lately?
I’ll let you know how our little gathering ended, next time.
The Legend of Drizzt, ©Wizards of the Coast