I came upon something very strange. Not for the first time, you say? Right. Must have to do with the fact that I’m still living with a human being. There’s always something strange to detect.
Recently my human made me participate in a game of crime and detection. She left me in no doubt that I was a complete disappointment to her when it came to solving the puzzle. First of all I did not see any reason why a murder needs to be solved at all. Dead person is dead. What’s the point?
Also, there were a lot of other passengers on the train, what about them? Alright, alright, it was part of the game to be the first to solve the riddle. But surely neither she nor you could seriously expect me to be that one?
Humans have a great weakness: the overwhelming need to know. This causes all sorts of problems as is easy to see. A question arises? They will not rest until they found an answer. And not any answer would do, oh no, it has to be the right answer.
That is – you might have guessed already – not the orcish way. We have the unwavering ability to let things be. A question arises. We ignore it in the hope that it will go away. Which it normally does. Questions tend to be a bit like a fart. You wrinkle your nose when it occurs and it passes eventually. You know it does. So all one has to do is wait. But that is not what humans do. A dead body? Someone has to be responsible for the crime. Yeah, well, somebody does. But that somebody will not come forth and say so. Would be stupid. But then again, humans are not particularly clever, so there you go.
And humans are so obsessed with finding out about who murdered the dead body (before it was dead, don’t be silly) that they’re actually not satisfied with the real dead bodies all around them. They make things up to satisfy this need. Woud you believe it? (In fact I assume you would what with you being human as well. It’s a shame that I have to explain the simplest things to you about yourself, really.)
So, there we are. Story upon story about dead bodies. And then someone takes it upon himself to find out all the details of the gory crime. To be fair (hush, I know it’s unorcish) those bits are the most interesting parts of these stories. Blood and splatter, that’s very much to my taste. But the human detective will not rest and go through a lot of trouble in order to find the murderer. Less gory, more logic. Not my cup of tea. My human reads an awful lot of these crime novels. Not only that, she writes them! Instead of spending her time with me she makes up these stories! Consequently I should commit a horrid crime to gain her attention, right? And what a crime it should be! Fantazising about it is half of the fun. Oops, does that make me a creator of a crime story as well? Damn. Outsmarted by my own cleverness. Does need an orc to do that. And as I am still the only one around here I have to do it myself, obviously. It’s as if I answer my own question. You get the point, don’t you? If not you’ll not rest until you got it. I know you will, you’re human. Silly you.
Hang on, what if there were a story about an orcish detective? That’s basically the definition of an oxymoron, right? Again, I’m answering my own question. Will stop now.
Would read that book, though.