Orcish Cuisine

Me in the chivesI’ve said it before (don’t remember where or when): orcs usually don’t cook their food. But as I have the great misfortune to share a flat with a human I had to learn one or two things about the whole matter. And as always I’m more then willing to share my knowledge.

Also, it gives me the opportunity to go hunting in the giant chives, as you can see in the picture. I’m perfectly camouflaged, only the sword blows it a bit.

Cooking, orcish style

Before you start you have to make one fundamental decision:

a) eat alive whatever comes your way. That’s the traditional orcish form of cuisine and it is the only option for a quick meal, a take-away, if you like.
b) let it rot, let it rot, let it rot. This is meant for the times when leisure is on the agenda or when you’re wounded from a battle with an unwilling a)

Equally important: always make sure that you neither become a) nor b) while you prepare your food.

Now, cooking:

You’ll need a knife and a pan or something similar, any old pot will do. If nothing like that is available, good for you. It means you can go out hunting a giant (or something else of the same size) first, and then use his skull for it.

Next, pick a monster of your choice. Could be anything, really. In the end it all tastes pretty much the same. For this recipe I chose a baby dragon. You slay it, then take a huge chunk out of the hip, like a cutlet.
You put it into an anthill and let the little buggers work for you.
After two days you take it out again. Don’t shake off the ants, they make a perfectly good coat of crumbs.

While the ants do their work you prepare a dough: grind some all-is-bright-and-colorful-seeds and mix it with rotten fruit (black banana will do). Add a couple of killer-saurian eggs.

Slap the dough on the ant-coated dragon cutlet. Chuck it into a fire, chuck some rocks in it too. The stones will cover up the food nicely and will come in handy when you need to keep your lazy kin from eating your cutlet. Just throw the hot stones at them.

As a side dish:
Julienne mad-root with banewort brew. Or whatver grows around you.
She-human told me that one should always have a side-dish, so there you go. Surely it does not supríse you that there is no word for ‘salad’ in the orcish language.

Bon appétit.


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