Boromir is dead. I did not do it.

Once and for all: I am not guilty of murdering Boromir. Get a grip, humans.
Ahem. Forgive the emotional outbreak. I am really sick of it. I mean, I slaughtered countless creatures for which you could blame me and I would gladly take credit. But this one I didn’t do. From the day I arrived in this world people on the street kept accusing me of finishing him and also asked me about this Sauron guy. I had hoped it would end when I left London but that was obviously a mistake. So I asked she-human about it and instead of explaining it herself she showed it to me on the telly. It took me days to get through the whole thing. Clearly a work of fantasy. Let me tell you a few things about this Lord of the Rings and his minions:

1. the sugary sweet life of the halflings is simply disgusting. Don’t believe it! The little bastards are mean creatures.

2. Orcs are not bred in pits! That is ridiculous. We shag the hell out of each other, just like every other race. Yes, I know about eggs and pollination, but orcs are neither birds nor tulips. Any race that has some pride only reproduces via sex, right? (The fact that many orcs lose that pride while courting a female is quite another matter and does not belong here.)

3. No orc with some self-esteem would ever serve a guy like Sauron. He is all about orders and unconditional following. Seriously? Orcs love their freedom. They roam the lands, they pillage and burn. What they never do is march in columns, as a unified army with strict rules, in line, in step. Never. I mean, my comrades and I once joined a unified army (It was led by a half-dragon who was a lot more badass than this Sauron). But even then we were at liberty to handle things the orcish way. This whole notion of an organized orcish army led by a lidless eye is ridiculous.

4. Mordor is shit. Seriously. Why would anyone want to live there, evil overlord or not? Orcs go hunting. In Mordor nothing really lives that could be hunted.

5. If it were real, the whole of Middle Earth would be populated by orcs. Obviously human population had been on the decline due to previous wars (and we can surely ignore the remnants of the dwarven and elven races). So any race shagging like rabbits would sooner or later outnumber those few humans. See point No. 2 for further reference.

6. Only three wizards in the whole world? Here was clearly the wish the father of the thought. If you imagine an ideal world why put any wizards in it at all? If your imagined world is not ideal, make the wizards more like a proper enemy not like geriatric humans.

7. The existence of the Uruk-hai is highly questionable but they are a real looker, I give you that. No doubt they’re of orcish origin. I would not mind at all if Lurtz were to join our happy band of warriors.

8. Boromir’s death was done rather beautifully. I can see why humans still brag on and on about that. Accept it, he’s dead. Admirably slaughtered by the superiour race.

9. This whole ring-business is odd to say the least. I have come upon magic rings in my life more than once. But to be honest they were more of a nuisance than anything else. So to have one ring that runs the world is not very likely, is it? Also, rings are not renowned for being even remotely clever or violent so they need minions. This Sauron guy created a ring that in the end ruled over him like over everyone else? Stupid him. But then, he chose to live in Mordor.

Uhm, number after 9. I really wouldn’t mind to pay an extended visit to Middle Earth. I’d love to see Moria and the White City. Imagine what a small band of independent and competent orcs could do to the land? And I would certainly go and get this Aragorn guy with the many names for beheading poor Lurtz.

She-human has a very detailed map of this Middle Earth. I find it difficult to grasp the idea that such a map should exist when the whole land is a piece of fiction. So maybe she’s wrong (she’s only human after all) and I can really go there. For now, I’m studying the map, envisioning myself in all those places that could be so much like home.

One other thing: there is a remarkable lack of female creatures in that world. Maybe that is the biggest problem after all. How are they supposed to survive? Anyway, the inhabitants of that world are no match for proper orcs. And I did not kill Boromir. I would have toyed with him much longer. Take him home for the kids to play with for a while. But kudos to Lurtz for the beautiful slaughtering.


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